INTRODUCING Isla Frances LaFeber!

Here I will attempt  to write out Isla's birth story while I carry her in the baby wrap because she is very attached to her Mama and doesn't like to be put down. Seriously, even if she is sleeping in my arms, the second I put her down, she wakes up and is all wide eyed looking around for me! But I know how fleeting these precious moments are so I don't mind much. Plus I have Josh here on Paternity Leave to take up the chores that I can't do right now so it all works out ;).

Isla was born on the tail end of the holidays and it was a very busy time. Right after New Years we were cleaning the house and doing all the last minute baby prep. I was huge, swollen, and exhausted but it was all exciting stuff as we knew what was coming! Josh's parents arrived the day before her birth because they were going to watch the older kids for us while we were in the hospital. The night before, there was an anxious energy in the air as we packed our hospital bags and explained everything again to the kids. I felt so nervous to leave my children and was trying my best to not think about death during childbirth, but it was difficult. Our neighbor and church friend died last year in childbirth and left behind her husband and older kids who just happen to be our kid's ages. It was a tragic time for our ward/community and it haunts me to this day. You don't think about death happening from childbirth anymore, until it happens to someone close to you. But the kids were so sensitive to this secret anxiety I was harboring and they both gave me these precious good luck tokens that meant the world to me. Yes, they are random but so so precious. Evie's was a book mark with a sweet saying on it because "I know you like to read Mom and now you can read in the hospital while the baby is sleeping!" Austin's was a special crystal that was given to him by my Mom when he was struggling with starting Kindergarten. She gave it to him to give him special powers to be brave at school and he carried it in his backpack every day that year. I gently packed these treasures in my hospital bag and felt so much love and gratitude for my beautiful babies and their precious souls; counting down the hours until I could add another one to our blessed family.

I didn't sleep a wink that night, and the next morning we woke up early in excited anticipation. We didn't have to check into the hospital until 9am so that gave us plenty of time to hang out with the kids over breakfast and say our goodbyes. It also gave us time to take some last minute maternity pictures! The kids were unsure of everything this morning and it shows in the pictures, but that's to be expected.

We checked into the Labor and Deliver department of St. Rose Siena Hospital down the street and things all happened very quickly after that. They immediately took us back to our room where I was put in a gown and prepped for surgery. I wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything since midnight so my mind was super foggy and I was having a hard time remembering simple things like my doctors name... but that seems to be how my body works. I was also filled with so much anxiety and was trying not to show it. The thought that you are about to be wheeled into the Operating Room where they are going to cut you open is a little crazy to think about. I was also nervous about the epidural and anything going wrong with that. I've heard horror stories with being a nurse and all, so of course those stories were in the back of my mind. But I tried hard to focus on how exciting it was that we were about to hold our sweet baby girl! There was an emergency C-section that happened right as it was about to be my turn to have my baby and all the nurses were running around stressing, but luckily both Mom and baby were safe and everything worked out just fine. Thank God, or I would have totally freaked out because I was next!!

All prepped and ready for my turn!

Josh was also gowned up and ready!

Waiting and trying not to stress...

They walked us down to the operating room and told Josh to stay outside until they had me all ready for surgery. Normally they let Josh be there to hold me while they placed the epidural so this stressed me out but I tried not to show it. I must have though because my doctor decided to take Josh's place and held my hand and told me to bury my head in his chest. That feeling of your spine being accessed and the electricity that shoots down your leg is one that can't be explained, but I always jump, no matter how badly I will myself not to. The doctor chided me for that because it is super dangerous to move while placing an epidural, but it's like a reflex I can't help and I jump every time.... but luckily it didn't screw up anything. After that, they laid me down and I noticed instantly that my blood pressure was low and I was being given wayyyy too many meds. The Zofran and Phenergan I was grateful for because I always become nauseous during a C-section and start dry heaving. But the rest of it made me go in and out of consciousness multiple times and I remember hearing my heart beat drop on the monitor over and over as the Anesthesiologist frantically gave me multiple blood pressure medications to bring it up. This made me sad because I wanted to be fully aware of every little thing during the birth of my baby, but it was also a really warm, calming feeling to just slowly drift in and out of consciousness. I was aware of Josh standing right next to me, holding my hand throughout the process, but besides that, I don't remember much else. Then, suddenly, I heard the nurse say, "Get your camera ready Dad." and then I heard the sweet little cry of my baby! She only made one little weak cry out and then she was done. The doctor and nurses tried to get her to cry more because it would clear her lungs, but she wasn't going for it. Just like my parents told me I did. I felt an instant connection to this child because of that; kindred spirits finally reunited. The two spirits who don't cry when they are born. Then, suddenly over the blue drape in front of me, the doctor held her over me so I could see her! She was so beautiful and I instantly said, "She looks just like Evie!" because she did. She was like her twin. It was like seeing my baby Evelyne all over again and I was in total awe of this seemingly deja vu. Then they took her over to the side for Josh to cut the cord and for the nurses to clean her off and measure her. They continued trying to get her to cry to clear her lungs but she just wouldn't do it. And I laid there listening to their awe of her contentment while I was being sewn back up. My heart wanted to hold my baby girl so badly and it felt like an eternity for them to finish with me so I could do just that. Then the nurse brought her over to me and let me snuggle her with my face and say a more proper hello. She was just so dang beautiful, I couldn't believe it. I wanted that moment to last forever.

They wheeled me back into the room once I was all sewn up where they placed her on my chest and we did skin to skin bonding with her until she started rooting for a breast and was showing signs of being hungry. She struggled slightly at first to figure out breastfeeding but it didn't take long. Josh and I cherished those precious minutes of holding her up to our skin and just taking her in. Her sweet smell, her precious noises, and the sweet warmth of her body. She was just perfect, every part of her, and we were in complete heaven. We hadn't picked out a name for her because nothing felt right and we wanted to see what she looked like first. So as I was holding her, Josh said, "Look at her and tell me the first name that pops into your mind." I told him, "Isla Frances." and he said, "That's exactly what I was thinking." and so Isla Frances she became. Isla means "Queen of the Hebrides" which are islands off the coast of Scotland. And Frances is the name of my favorite Great Grandmother who basically raised me and my sister while my parents were off being losers trying to figure themselves out. I owe my Great Grandma everything. I am who I am because of her. And during this pregnancy I have felt her so closely and I knew that my baby was very close to this particular Grandmother in heaven. Another kindred spirit. At random times I would suddenly smell my Grandma's perfume and I have no idea where it was coming from. And then there would be random moments where I could smell the bath soap she always used and I would be transported back in time to when I was a little girl taking a bath in her porcelain bath tub. It was random moments like these that solidified I would be naming my baby girl after her, one way or another.

You could tell by my eyes how drugged up I was. But I guess that just added to the bliss I was feeling :).

After over an hour, the nurse told us we could bring in visitors if we wanted. My thoughts instantly perked up as I thought of our children meeting their new baby sister! They came running into the room totally excited and happy! However, they were a little apprehensive as they approached the hospital bed and I told them it was okay to climb into bed with me. The next 3-4 hours was a blur in my medicated head of visitors holding my baby and that precious time with my husband and older kids as we all met the new baby together. Austin was apprehensive but sweet as he held his new baby sister and kissed her head. Evie was also a little shy and totally silent as she held her baby sister. They both asked me questions and commented on how little the baby is and played with her tiny feet. Then Evie asked when I would be coming home and I reminded her that I had to stay at the hospital for a couple days. She burst into silent tears and buried her head in  my chest and my poor mama heart was so sad in that moment. It was the moment when my baby realized she was no longer the baby and her Mama wasn't going to be around for a little while. I held her and kissed her and tried my best to reassure her that I would be home soon and everything would be fine. But I knew our lives as we knew it would never be the same again and I too was mourning that. With every beautiful change comes a mourning period for what was.... But then we both perked up as we looked again at our sweet baby! The Grandparents all passed her around the room and cooed at her beauty. And then at some point they all took Evie and Austin downstairs to get something to eat. I was finally left alone in the room with my baby and I hadn't realized until then how overwhelmed I was. I was so grateful to have that quiet time with my baby and the nurse caring for me. My Step-Dad showed up again about an hour later to deliver flowers and balloons from all the grandparents who had chipped in at the gift shop, and then I asked him to leave so I could have that quiet time again. It is so exciting having a new baby and you want to share that moment with the world, but it is also so overwhelming with all the feelings and emotions that come. Plus, you never get that first day back and I wanted to enjoy it by actually holding my new baby and not by watching everyone else hold her. I watched as she was given a bath and chatted quietly with my nurse. I lucked out big time and had the best nurse in the world! She was such a calming strength for me that day as I quietly dealt with all my feelings. She was so kind and confident, and most of all, listened to me completely. I was itching like crazy from the morphine (a side affect I sadly get with each birth) and they gave me Benadryl, but it didn't fully help. So I was trying my best to not think about the pain and the itching. They didn't have a space for us yet in the postpartum wing, so Josh and I spent half of the night alone in the labor and delivery room together talking and enjoying our new baby (once everyone had left and he had said goodbye to the kids at the car). It was such a beautiful experience having a husband take care of all the details so I could just lay in my hospital bed and witness it all. Late that night, they moved us to our new room where I got a new nurse and Josh brought all of our bags up from the car. I didn't sleep a wink again that night because I was in a state of complete happiness. Sleep was secondary to holding and staring adoringly at my baby, and I did just that all night long. Plus, the baby kept choking on the amniotic fluid she never coughed up due to a lack of crying during her birth, so she had me completely freaked out and I couldn't let myself put her down for fear of her choking to death. So the safest place was there in my arms, and it was perfect.

The kids racing in to meet their new baby sister!

Oh my heart :).

This picture has my whole heart. Oh how I love this family of mine!

Austin was all smiles and held that baby like a pro!

Such a sweet moment captured. These pictures mean the world to me.

Evie's moment of crying and my heart breaking. It breaks my heart just looking at this.

The moment of realization for all of us that life will never be the same. Such a beautiful moment full of so much feeling.

Evie holding her baby sister for the first time

True to Evie's nature, it didn't take long for her to perk up :).

She was such a good baby and just allowed everyone to hold her and ogle over her.

The kids were in awe of her little toes

Our first family picture as a party of 5!

Holding our baby and quietly waiting for them to come tell us our postpartum room was available.

The next couple days were a blur of sleepless nights and visitors. We had hoped that time in the hospital would be relaxing as we wouldn't have older kids to care for or chores to do. And yes, having food and medication brought to my bedside each day was heaven. But it seemed like we spent more time entertaining visitors than relaxing. I had to remind myself though that we are so lucky to have so many people in our lives who love us and want to be there with us during these special moments. So all I can say is those days were a blur and not long enough. I wanted to enjoy every minute of her newness, and I hardly slept at all because of it. Well, because of that and also because of the pain I was in. I pushed myself to walk early because I wanted that catheter taken out ASAP! I was so itchy from the Morphine and the catheter wasn't helping matters any. Plus I wanted to shower and take care of myself a little. The postpartum period for a mother is anything but glamorous. It is full of blood and pain and the inability to do something as simple as poop or pee. But it is all part of the process. You can't appreciate beauty without some pain.

I sat for hours holding her and staring at her sweet face.

Josh was an amazing companion and support. He got me anything I needed and was so sweet with our baby girl.

Isla and I spent hours just staring at each other like this. It was such a special time.

Grandma and Grandpa Porter came to visit!

Aunt April (my Step-Dad's sister) also came along with them!

Grandma Helm also showed up with Uncle Kenneth and Aunt Diana!

Uncle Ken was so cute with the baby and he made us all laugh when he apologized on behalf of his brother (my Dad) for being such a dumb ass :). Although it was funny, the sadness behind the comment hit me deep. My Dad has missed it all. All of it. These are the moments you live for and he hasn't been there for any of it. And I have to just be okay with that. But oh does it hurt....

However, despite both of my parents lacking moments, I am so blessed to have such a large army of extended family who are there in their stead to support me.

We had checked in Friday morning and were discharged on Sunday afternoon. Everyone was healing nicely and the doctor didn't see any reason for us to stay any longer. I was torn because a part of me wanted to stay in the hospital forever. I wanted to be waited on hand and foot and to have zero responsibilities besides holding my baby. But the other part of me was anxious to get home and see my other kids. Austin was starting school the next day (it had been winter break) and I wanted to see him before he went back in order to restore a sense of normalcy. But there was nothing normal about it. We drove home and were instantly bombarded with the realities of life. But this time, Josh and his parents handled it while I stayed upstairs in bed with my baby for weeks. I only left the house to go to doctors appointments and then it was back into bed! I had read up on having a "lying in period" where the mother stays in bed for 40 days and how it helps so much with healing and postpartum depression. I have never had this option before because Josh always had to go back to work the next day. So this was quite a special treat that I didn't take for granted. I trusted that the world would still go 'round without me... even if it was in a much more messy state than normal. Every time I went downstairs I got overwhelmed with the noise and mess, so I ran back upstairs where it was quiet and controlled. The baby and I did this for weeks. I was in quite a lot of pain and was so grateful that I could relax and heal. The baby had Jaundice and we had to take her in almost every 3 days to have her blood drawn until it dissipated which was frustrating because it is the  middle of winter and that doctors office was full of sick/coughing children. So of course we all caught the flu two weeks after the baby was born. It attacked all of us except for the baby, thank goodness! We quarantined everyone to downstairs where Josh slept in the living room with the older kids and gave them round the clock medicine. The baby and I remained secluded in my bedroom in hopes to keep her away from the germs. Granted, I was extremely sick too, but I prayed so hard that my breastmilk would keep her safe from illness and thankfully my prayer was answered! During that time, sweet friends from the ward brought us meals and little surprises. I was so grateful for all of it. I haven't prayed so hard or felt so overwhelmed in such a long time. I couldn't even finish my prayers without crying because it was so difficult to even voice the overwhelm that I was feeling. Of course during that time I also developed thrush on my breasts which made feeding the baby extremely painful to go along with the pain I was already feeling from my C-Section! Every feeding had me crying and feeling so defeated as I did my best to nurse myself of the flu. That was a dark week to say the least and each day that got better felt like a blessing from God!

Because we got the flu right after leaving the hospital, the kids weren't able to interact much with the baby those first two weeks and it broke my heart. I too had to stay away from them in order to protect Isla and it felt so unfair! My heart was aching so badly to have the ability to interact with my kids and let them know that I hadn't forsaken them for a newer addition. Luckily Josh was amazing and kept them entertained during that time so I think I noticed more than they did. But my Mama heart was breaking all over the place during that time. But somehow we all survived and were better for the worse. Since then, they have bonded more with the baby and I have done my best to have special moments with each kid. Small though they might be, it is better than nothing! Austin looks forward to climbing in bed with me every afternoon and doing homework alone together in my room. We laugh and talk and that is our time. Meanwhile, Evie spends the day with me taking care of the baby and being my little side kick all along the way. She is so protective of the baby and doesn't let her cry or go poopy for long! Evie has been so amazing to me as she has navigated this time. She went through a phase of not wanting to leave the house because that would mean leaving mine and the baby's side and she just couldn't get herself to do that. I forced her at one point to go to the park with Grandma Janis so she could get out and have some fun but she cried the entire time and came home so miserable. It broke my heart that I had done that to her. I thought it was the best thing to do for a 4 year old who hasn't left the house in weeks but apparently I was wrong and I realized in that moment that we are all dealing with this new change differently and I need to let her adjust in her own way. Even if it means becoming a total recluse. Austin started dealing with the lack of attention by doing little naughty things at school, like pinching a little girls butt and getting sent to the Principals office for the rest of the day. We have had to have many talks with him about all of this but we weren't too hard on him because I know he is just dealing with this change the best way he can. We all are. And we have to allow each other grace during this time. And we did our best to celebrate his achievements and promote the good things he was doing like earning an award at the awards ceremony! Even though I was only a couple days out of the hospital, I went to his awards ceremony to support Austin the best way I could. It is so hard being a parent split between 3 kids, but we are doing the best we can.

All dressed for the ride home and ready to go see her siblings!

The special moment of each kid getting to hold the baby at home.

Welcome home Isla!

We officially have 3 kids!

Evie being her perfect big sister self!

Hours upon hours of snuggles was just what the doctor ordered!

I was in awe of how close Isla looks to Austin and Evie when they were babies so I made this little collage of them all. Isla is on the top left and bottom left. Austin is on the top right and Evie is on the bottom right. Isn't it insane?!

Grandma Janis did her best to help us out with the kids while she was here so she took Evie on a special date to get her nails done while Austin was at school! We had to really talk Evie into it because she got anxiety so badly whenever she thought of leaving the house but she finally went and had a great time! She couldn't wait to show us her pink sparkly toes!

Dressing the baby up was the highlight of my day each day!

That and just staring at her perfection :).

Austin had school each day so it was harder for him to bond with the baby, but we did our best.

My best friend, Jura, showed up with lunch from Cafe Rio (a little tradition we have going each time we have a baby). It was nice to see her!

We were so grateful for helpful Grandparents. My own mother was super sick and couldn't come around until she was healthy.

Every afternoon I dressed her down to her diaper and let her sunbathe in front of the window to help with her Jaundice.

A sweet moment after a particularly trying day. Parenting is not for the weak!

Supporting Austin at his awards ceremony! My Mom was finally feeling better and came out to support him as well and to finally see her new grandbaby!

Grandma Jill finally getting to see the baby! The kids adore her and I was grateful for her company and the box of donuts she bought me! :) It's the little things........

Daily sunbathing

They are seriously twins! Isla is so lucky to have a big sister like Evie.

And we are all so lucky to have Dad around to help us amongst the chaos!

Grandma Wiegel was also super sick with pneumonia and couldn't come visit until she was healthy again. However, I have a sneaking suspician that she is the one who gave us the flu because we got super sick right after her visit..... either her or my Mom.... grrrrrr! Having a winter baby is rough!

My little sister was also sick and couldn't meet Isla until she was 2 weeks old. She also helped me take newborn pictures which turned out to be a total disaster. The baby screamed the whole time, Austin had a horrible fever, and the kids both started crying while I frantically tried to make it all happen. It was horrible and the pictures aren't that great. But I guess that's life with three kids?

Grandpa Nate came to visit a couple times and took Evie to the movies! Austin was sick and couldn't go :(. Right after this, we all caught the illness and we stopped having visitors after that. I guess you could say we learned our lesson. Never let people visit your brand new baby in the winter or you will all end up sick!!

Oh Isla, what a blessing you have been to us! This has been a whirlwind of days that are filled with so much love and so much chaos. But we thank God every day for sending you and for these precious moments we have had with you. We will figure it all out eventually and are just trying to soak it all in while you are still a newborn. Thank you for choosing us to be your family!