October.... One Rough Month!! And the Moments That Got Me Through.

 

 I wish I could say we came home from Disneyland to a happily ever after kind of life.... but sadly it was the exact opposite of happy :(.

I found out I was pregnant the day after we got home and our spirits were high! It was a surprise, but one that gave us all excitement for our new future!! The kids were excited; especially Evie. She talked about changing the baby's diapers and feeding it bottles, while both kids argued over who got to sleep with it. Then the bleeding began.....

I was at work when I noticed some spotting and my worst nightmare became a reality. I left work and went straight to the OBGYN to get my blood drawn and pray for a miracle. I was put on bed rest and was told that I was probably just working too hard. I called my Mom and asked her to come help me since I was supposed to be resting but she told me she was busy learning how to quilt and would come whenever she felt like it. NO, I am not kidding. Welcome to my family. I made the best of the situation and despite the pain and bleeding, managed to get Austin to school each day and keep Evie alive. My Mom showed up two days later and I bawled my eyes out when I saw her. I was so grateful that someone was coming to help me, even if she made sure I knew I was the last thing on her priority list. She stayed with us for two days, during which my hopes were restored and I was put on Progesterone hormones to help me keep the baby. I rested but was still able to enjoy Austin's Elementary School Fall Festival, as well as Josh's birthday (celebrated late). My Mom had bought an ice cream cake for him since I wasn't able to bake and we had a small but happy little party.

Grandma helping me take Evie to dance class

Helping me take Austin to school

Hanging out at Jolly Beans Cafe playing cards to pass the time

Austin's Fall Festival!

He was soooo excited to throw a pie in the teacher's face!

Our little Utah Ute all ready for College Day at school!

Blowing out the candles on Daddy's 34th Birthday!

I look about as terrible as I felt, but I tried so hard to be present despite the pain I was in.

Josh was a trooper through the whole thing and happily ate his makeshift cake that we ate a week late.

My Mom stayed with us for two days and we had a lot of fun! But sadly, she could only be there for me for those two days and then she decided she didn't want to be there anymore and left. Well, more like I angrily threw her out my house when she informed me that I was fine and my baby was fine and she didn't need to be here anymore. I felt anything but fine. I felt abandoned, I felt scared, I felt judged. I felt like she was telling me that I was basically making everything up and just because she was too selfish to help me, I was going to lose my baby. And sadly, I did lose the baby. I started bleeding heavily after I vehemently threw all of her stuff out of my house and lost the baby two days later. Why did I react the way I did? Because I was in a moment of sincere need and my own mother showed her true colors and left me. I realized how alone I am and how nobody really cares about my welfare. They care enough to show up for two days and create a facade of the "perfect happy family," but in the end, they always leave. My own mother couldn't be there for me. I can't even describe how hurt I was. For her to tell me I was fine and she didn't need to be there for me and then lose my baby two days later had my mind in a rage. A blind, hateful rage. I didn't talk to her for two months after that. In fact, I just barely answered her phone call yesterday. And I regretted it as soon as I did. Nothing had changed. She didn't ask how I was feeling, or even if I was okay. It was all about her.

Anyways, I was blessed in one aspect of my Mom leaving though because my sister Sadie came to my rescue! She was planning on coming anyway to pick up her car (she moved to Colorado and left her car at my house) but as soon as she saw what a mess I was, she stayed as long as I needed her. It was such a blessing because she was there when I lost the baby. I was having horrible contractions while trying to watch Evie dance and as soon as we got home I ran to the bathroom and the baby came out. I sat on the floor and cried my heart out for three straight hours while my sister held me and cried along with me. It was a horrible moment I will never forget that also included so much love. My parents are psychotic but at least I have decent sisters.... Sadie stayed until I was mentally capable to handling my life again. She went everywhere with me from school drop off to dance class and I needed her companionship more than she knows. Josh was working throughout the whole horrible ordeal and I needed someone there to help me stay sane when all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole and die. My hormones were all over the place for over a month after that due to the Progesterone I had been taking to prevent the miscarriage so let's just say it was rough.... Now, months later, Evie still prays for God to give us another baby every day and my heart hurts each and every time. I don't know why it happened or what the point of that was, but we have to just keep plugging along with faith that God knows what he's doing.

This was the night Sadie showed up and I spent all night crying and telling her what had happened with Mom. Thankful is an understatement.

We all loved having Aunt Sadie here! She was a light during such a dark time.

If Sadie is good at anything, it's making me laugh! And oh how I needed to laugh.

She got to watch Evie dance and even bought her flowers!

This was taken right before we went home and I officially lost the baby. I was in so much pain but still managed to smile. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so good at hiding reality behind that smile. Maybe people like my Mom would understand me better and have more empathy when I am struggling.

I wish I could say it got better after Sadie left but it didn't. I got into a car accident on my way home from Evie's ballet class and totaled my car. A woman had ran a stop sign and T-boned my poor car. Luckily nobody was hurt (especially since Evie was in the back seat), but my mental sanity was hanging on by a thin thread. I kinda lost it after that. I was not doing good at all. I spent my days arguing with insurance companies and sharing a car with Josh which was anything but ideal since we both still had to go to work despite and shit storm we were facing on a daily basis. I couldn't wait to be done with October. We still carved pumpkins and we still went to our ward trunk or treat and our community Halloween party. We still did trick or treating and we still showed up for our kids in every way we could so they wouldn't be affected  by our constant drama. But on the inside, we were struggling big time. I felt like I would never be happy again. In just a week I had lost my baby, my car, and my Mother. What more could God do to me?

I am happy to report that it did eventually get better. November brought with it a breath of fresh air. This included a new car that just happened to be the exact car I have been wanting for years now! We also chose this month to remodel our floors and finally put in the laminate wood flooring that has been sitting in our garage for months now! Grandpa Nate came to help us and somehow we pulled it off! It was a ridiculous amount of work that my knees are still aching from but it was totally worth it! We also chose happiness by decorating our Christmas tree, and baking all sorts of pumpkin flavored goodies :). Life has a funny way of surprising you. Just when you think you can't handle any more pain, you are presented with so much love and beauty that you think your heart can't take any more! :)

Carving pumpkins for Halloween!

Austin refused to touch the pumpkin guts and would only use a spoon haha!

Evie preferred to paint her pumpkin and skip the messy pumpkin guts all together ;).

Off to the Ward Trunk or Treat!

Dance class Halloween style! Just look at all those cute little three year old princesses and the one girl who dared to be a power ranger :).

Our beautiful new car!!!

Saying goodbye to our old car was so hard. We had so many wonderful memories in that car!

After work we all headed to our neighborhood Halloween party and hall a wonderful time!

We ate corn dogs and candy!

We picked out pumpkins in the pumpkin patch and decorated them!

And our kids bounced their hearts out in the bouncy house

We also spent a beautiful Saturday morning at the local cafe and wandering around the farmers market.

This was such a beautiful day :)

I channeled my pain into remodeling my house and got the upper cabinet backsplash all finished! This is the before pic.

The final product looks so good and I couldn't be more in love!

Halloween was a happy event! I took a mental health day from work because I was struggling so badly on the inside and spent the day loving on my family. The best kind of therapy!

They are knocking on doors and begging for candy like pro's now! Happy Halloween!

My sweet sorority sisters sent me these flowers and my heart exploded with love! I haven't seen those girls in 10 years but they still found it in their hearts to let me know they love me!

I also channeled my pain into baking and making memories with my kids.

Evie color coordinating refrigerator magnets while the cookies cool because she's smart like that ;)

Yoga was also high on the priority list.

I am so proud of my children and their beautiful souls! They healed my heart during the worst time and I am forever grateful for them!

Austin wanted to write a book so we spent the day baking and writing novels about flowers :).

Just look at how good he is getting at writing!

My little authors hard at work!

These goofballs make life worth living :)

We spent the last days of fall wandering around the park finding pretty flowers.....

....and swinging our cares away....

Demo day for our floor! This is the before picture! We ripped out our carpet and spent 6 days installing new flooring!

The holy cow it's finally done picture!

We were so grateful to Nathan for helping us out with this enormous project! Now it will take months of cleaning to get all the saw dust out of the house and we still have baseboards to finish. But this is good enough for now!

Then Evie and I spent an entire day returning flooring and other things we didn't end up needing. This hot dog was much needed by the end of it!

Baking pumpkin donuts :)

brushing on the melted butter

And dipping them into the cinnamon sugar! Yumm!

My little elves hard at work making our house feel like Christmas!

Setting up the nativity scene!

Now THIS is perfection! Just look at that beautiful floor and trees! Life is looking up from this end!

Decorating the big Christmas tree once Daddy got home :)

Evie putting the angel on the little tree

There's nothing a beautiful Christmas tree can't fix :).

It takes teamwork and a couple times of falling off the couch into the Christmas tree to get the job done! ;)

You wouldn't know it, but our kids were super sick in most of these pictures. Apparently I've passed on my ability to have fun and keep smiling despite the worst of circumstances. Poor Evie girl was so sick she fell asleep while I was giving her a manicure!

Austin made me breakfast to say sorry for keeping us all awake the night before when we were all sick and miserable. How could I say no to a feast of grapes, trail mix, and left over sweet potatoes? hahaha!

Austin had his first Thanksgiving program in Kindergarten! Sadly, I was working that day, but Josh got off early so he could be there to represent us both. We are both so proud of our little turkey and how well he is adjusting to school!

Basically, what I've taken from the past month is that shit happens and there is nothing you can do about it. But there are always people to be grateful for and moments to have a good laugh in between the sorrow. These pictures are proof of that! Thank you God for all of these beautiful people who make my life worth living!