A Little Love Story for Valentines Day

I had my first experience of actually breaking down into tears at work last week. I am a very emotional person and the nursing field gives you plenty of moments that require emotional breakdowns, but you have to hold it in and keep it together. I mean, if the nurse is crying, then we are all in trouble! Call it a moment of weakness.... and it is probably one of those "you just had to be there" kind of stories. But I'll share anyways and you be the judge.

I was in the ICU, dialyzing a 75 year old man who to my knowledge was doing pretty good! He was awake, alert, and oriented. His vital signs were stable without the help of a Levophed IV drip. And within minutes of me walking into his room, he was my little buddy and we were chatting away about my baby, his "babies," my husband's job, his retirement life, his previous career, and how we both live in the same community in Henderson! It was a pretty good Saturday morning, besides the fact that he wanted breakfast and I wouldn't let him have any until his treatment was over (I promise there were medical reasons for it and I'm not just a mean, food depriving tyrant).

Then his son walked in. This was an anxious, constantly moving with nervous energy, gives you the creeps kind of guy. He introduced himself, contaminated my sterile field with his Starbucks Latte, and then proceeded to tell his father that it is time to die. No, I wish I were joking.

I watched with horror as I listened to the son communicate to his father that he will never get better, he will never make it home to his wife, and he will never get a chance to once again drive his electric scooter to the casino and play his favorite penny slot machine. I could see my buddy's face go from one of happy peace, to that of sudden confusion and sadness. He kept asking his son why he wouldn't be able to get better and what would happen if he just decided to die? I was at a loss and couldn't believe what I was witnessing. I was about to stand up and tell the son that dying isn't that easy. It's not like you just suddenly say, "I'm going to die today," and get on with it! I was also going to educate him on his father's progress and current status when in walked his family doctor and the rest of the family.

I could tell this was all planned out just by the lines the doctor was feeding his patient and suddenly the thought occurred to me that this man must have a lot of money. Why else would all these people be trying to talk him into dying??? Later my suspicions were confirmed when I reported all of this to the primary nurse. "OH  YEAH, HE'S LOADED!" she told me.

Okay, here's the part where I couldn't hold it in any longer. Throughout this whole terrible charade, his wife stood in the background with her head down, gripping her cane so tightly her hand was turning white. Then, upon her son's command, she slowly walked up to the side of the bed and grabbed her sweetheart's hand. She gently stroked his hand and wiped away his tears, and then told him that she can't stand to see him like this and that he is not the kind of man to just lie in a hospital bed.

"We don't know with assurance if you will ever get to come home, sweetheart. There are many horrible ways to die and I don't want to see you get to that point. What could be better than quietly, and peacefully falling asleep and not waking up?" she said.

 

"Loving you" he replied.

 

That's it, I was done for. The flood gates had opened. I tried my best not to show it by staring out the window and trying not to sniffle, which turned out to be futile when he then continued with, "I don't want to be a burden to anyone, so if you want me to, honey, I will stop trying to get better."

 

I could see the love in his eyes as he sincerely offered to end his life if it would make his soul-mate happy. It seriously felt like I was on stage with Romeo and Juliet.

 

My thoughts turned to my own soul-mate and I suddenly understood the insanity of the situation. Would I want to watch the love of my life suffer in a hospital bed for months? No, the thought of it kills me. Would I end my own life if it meant bettering the life of the man of my dreams? Yes, without a second thought. 

 

I was grateful to be a witness to this bittersweet moment because it once again helped me remember what is important in life.    LOVE.

 

When the family left and the treatment had ended, I went to my friend's bedside and proceeded to pull his needles and check his vital signs. While I was doing that, I talked to him about what had just happened and added my own two cents to the situation. I told him he had options and to not feel pressured into doing something he doesn't want to do. I told him about Home Health and Hospice Care and the positive attributes that both could bring to his situation. I couldn't leave without knowing that he had been appropriately educated.

 

Are you crying yet? Or are you thinking "Umm, okay, that was a stupid story." Maybe becoming a Mom has made me too soft.... I don't know. But I am happy to report that I stopped by my friend's bedside on Monday and he was still alive and kicking! So maybe something I said stuck with him? I would like to think so :).

 

Happy Valentines Day everyone! May you love as passionately as you are capable, and be loved as powerfully as you deserve.

My two loves with their giant pink Valentines cookies. Since Austin is too young to eat his, we all benefit from this tradition!