The Dog Days Are Over

I wanted to write this a week ago, but Thanksgiving week was pretty busy so I am just now getting a chance. This post is a continuation of the TORN post that I wrote a couple of weeks ago.

First of all, I have to say I was overwhelmed by how much love I was shown after I wrote that post. I was instantly bombarded by texts, and phone calls from friends and family full of love and support for me and words of wisdom to help me through the situation I am in. However, being the "I don't like people coddling over me" person that I am, I was instantly regretting that I had written it. I seriously thought about deleting it at least 5 times, but I couldn't. Why, you ask? Because I know there will be a time in my life when I will want to remember what it was like to be a first time Mom and the true feelings that I felt, not just the perfect pictures of me smiling all the time. Plus, how can I express what I've learned over the past few weeks if I delete why I learned it?

So here it goes... my learning experiences. The ironic part about these experiences is that they all happened while I was at work! And wasn't work the thing that I was complaining about to begin with? Yes, yes it was. So I have come to the realization that God has put me in this situation because he knows this is the best place for me to learn.

Lesson #1: It all started when I was in a patient's room on the Med/Surg floor of one of the hospitals I travel to. I was sitting there performing his dialysis and watching my patient closely to make sure he was tolerating everything okay. That's when I noticed his skin. To say it was dry and flaky is an understatement. This poor old man looked like he had just traveled through the Sahara Desert without a drop of water. It looked itchy and painful, and I was glad it was him and not me. Then his wife walked in and I instantly thought, "Oh good! Someone who loves him and will take care of his needs!" But sadly, that's not what happened. And what's even more sad is I saw myself in his wife and in what she deemed as important in this situation. She walked into the room, kissed her husband on the forehead and told him that she loved him, and then instantly got to work! She cleaned up spills, organized drawers, and fluffed up his pillows. In fact, she was so OCD about her tasks that she actually made the rest of the staff mad at her later because nobody could find anything! I could tell that in her head, this was her way of showing her love and devotion to her man who was lying sick in the hospital bed. I could see in her eyes what she was thinking because it's exactly what I would be thinking too! "If I make this room perfect and clean, he will feel more comfortable and at home." I was also watching her husband during this time and was trying to figure out what he was thinking about her "business." He watched her with kind eyes and once she was done, he kissed her and told her that he was happy and didn't need anything. Here's the learning part though. Once his wife left, he turned to me and said, "my skin itches so bad. Will you scratch my back?" It was like a bomb had gone off in my head. Here his wife was, cleaning and focusing on her tasks, and never once did she actually LOOK at her husband and notice his skin falling off! This hit me so hard because This is me! She was me! I focus so much on all the tasks to do and think so much about how I want everything to be so perfect all the time, that I forget to slow down and actually look at the people around me and see their needs! I pondered on this as I scratched his back and then decided to grab a bottle of lotion and lather him up with it. This is why I feel so overwhelmed all the time. It's because I have that type A, perfectionist personality that won't ever let me stop and actually focus on the things that I know are more important. So that is when I decided I am going to learn how to slow down. Learn how to not be so task oriented. Learn how to look past the "things to do" and actually look at the people I am so diligently doing them for. This isn't going to be easy, but I know it is something I need to learn or I am going to drive myself crazy.

Lesson #2: I was in the ICU this time, dialyzing the numerous patients there and thinking, "Wow, I really want to go home and see my husband and baby." I then saw a fellow Nephrology Nurse there and went over to her to chat. We went through the usual small talk and then she told me she was going home early today. I was confused since none of us are allowed that luxury right now with the "busy season" starting up and I asked her if she was feeling sick? What she said next left me stunned and I am pretty sure my jaw hit the floor. "Yes" she said. "I have breast cancer and am currently undergoing chemotherapy. I also just has a mastectomy a couple of weeks ago and am still recovering from surgery." Talk about bombshell! "What are you doing here?! Go home and get better!" I found myself saying. Her response is the learning part for me because I suddenly realized that I am not the only one in a "tough" situation and in fact, my situation isn't even that tough compared to hers! She told me that she has used up all of her sick time and needs to continue working so she can keep her health insurance to pay for the medical bills the cancer is racking up. She also informed me that her husband is currently unemployed and she is their only means of making money to survive all of this. SELFISH, UNGRATEFUL, THOUGHTLESS..... these are the words that describe how I felt while I sat there listening to her life story. How can I even once think about how God is punishing me by making me leave my baby to go to work when here my coworker is, battling cancer, and working her butt off to pay for it! How can I even think about complaining that I never get to see my husband because of our work schedules, when here she is telling me that she has to work overtime because her husband can't even find a job to take care of her!

I just want to take a moment and thank these people for teaching me lessons that I will never forget. Thank you for showing me how to be grateful for the beautiful life I have been given and how to love deeper than I thought I was currently loving. And thank you Heavenly Father for giving me these experiences and finding the perfect way to teach me these lessons that I needed to learn. I will never again complain about my life. Okay, maybe not "never," but I will sure try harder not to!

I went running the other night and was listening to the song, "The Dog Days Are Over" by Florence and the Machine (which is where the title of this post comes from) and I suddenly felt this light and energy that I haven't felt in a long time. It felt like this song describes perfectly how I now feel!   

 

Happiness hit her like a train on a track
Coming towards her stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with her drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind
You can't carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come

And I never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had and what was left after that too, oh
Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back
Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come

 

There's more to the song, but you get the point. I am done being sad and overwhelmed. I am done feeling like life is unfair. The dog days are over and I am going to leave all my longing behind. God has blessed me with blessings far beyond my worth and I am basically throwing it back in his face when I complain and don't even acknowledge how generous he is to me.

I have the most beautiful baby in the world and he loves me. In fact, he loves me so much that he can't even sleep throughout the night without wanting me. Am I tired? YES. But would I trade in my son for a full night of sleep? NEVER.

I have a handsome, amazing husband who not only works hard for our family, but comes home and plays with our son, does laundry and grocery shopping on his days off, and surprises me constantly with flowers, doing random chores for me so I don't have to, and gives words of affirmation to let me know that I am the most beautiful woman he has ever known.

I have a job that wears me out but keeps me humble. Every day I take care of people less fortunate than myself and if I put my selfishness away for a while, I can really learn a thing or two from their examples.

Just like last time, I have to go because Austin wants me. But this time I don't see it as a nuisance. I see it as a time for me to get over my need to finish things (like this blog) and go take care of something that really matters. 

Gobble Gobble

 

This Thanksgiving was a total blur of food, family, and fun! It started off with Josh's parents driving down to spend the week with us. We have so much fun when they visit, so we were pretty excited about it! I was working Tuesday night when they got into town but from what I hear, everybody had a lot of fun eating Mexican food from Roberto's and playing with the baby. Josh had to work Wednesday, so Austin and I took the Grandparents to Coco's Bakery to buy the pies for our Thanksgiving feast. Tradition holds that I always make the pies from scratch but with this being our first time hosting Thanksgiving and having little Austin always there needing all my attention, I decided to delegate. After that we went to the mall and Steve/Janis took Austin and I shopping for our Christmas presents! Josh just got cash since he wasn't able to go. I got some super cute clothes and Austin got an adorable sweat suit and football jammies to keep him warm for our trip to Utah! Thanks you guys! We got home just in time for Josh to get home from work and then my Grandma Helm and cousins from Texas (Heather and her son Alex) came to visit! I haven't seen Heather in almost ten years so this was a fun surprise! They were heading out for dinner so they didn't stay long but we enjoyed getting to catch up a bit with them before our next visitors arrived! Josh's brother Nick and his family dropped by to see our new house and Austin for the first time! We got pizza for dinner and had fun talking and catching up with them that night and of course showing off our little man. Austin thought Cousin Porter was hilarious and had fun playing "peek-a-boo" with him. Aunt Jen loved holding him and Austin must have liked it too because she kept him calm while all the little kids ran around like crazies all around him. This was by far our busiest day and before we knew it, it was time to go to sleep so we could be well rested for Thanksgiving! Well, everyone but me that is. Austin still doesn't believe Mom actually needs sleep at night....

Austin meeting our "Texas Cousins" for the first time!

I had delegated most of the difficult jobs out to everyone who was coming over for dinner so the only thing that had me stressed was trying to keep the house clean for guests... a difficult job when you have so many people coming and going! A special thank you to my sweet Mom for bringing over half of her kitchen to make up for everything I was lacking and to Nathan for bringing the turkey! He cooked it in the deep-pit and it was just as yummy as I remembered it being when I was growing up. My sisters also came over with their contributions, as well as Grandma/Grandpa Porter which meant we got to enjoy Grandma Porter's famous frozen fruit salad! Thanks to all these amazing people who we love so much, our first Thanksgiving in our home with our baby was a total success! We had a great time sitting at the table laughing and talking and eating way more than was necessary. It just all tasted so good! There was a point that night when I couldn't take the pain anymore and got Austin all suited up in his warm monkey suit so we could go take a walk with my parents and sisters and work off all that food! Briana and I made the brilliant decision to run and do jumping jacks around the neighborhood which resulted in me feeling even more sick than I was before, but it made for a pretty fun memory :). Pie and football came after that and then everyone started heading for home. By the end of the night, we all had to roll ourselves off to bed. That's how you know it was the perfect Thanksgiving ;)...

Thanksgiving Day with Grandma and Grandpa Porter & Aunt Briana

Thanksgiving Day with Grandma and Grandpa Ronnenkamp

Austin things Aunt Sadie is so great, he literally worships her! haha

Oh how I LOVE my sisters!

You could say we have fun together :).

We love Great Grandma Porter!

Isn't this the cutest little monkey you've ever seen?! Getting ready to go on our walk.

The next day was Black Friday and Josh went with his parents to the Bass Pro Shop. I stayed home with Austin and did some online shopping because I really didn't want to brave the crowds with a baby. Josh came home with this gigantic bass fish stuffed animal for Austin that is literally 3x his size. It was pretty funny seeing Austin try to play with it and watching Josh's excitement when he saw that Austin liked his gift. Josh is seriously the cutest Dad. He is still a child himself so it makes me laugh when I see him interacting with his son. What am I going to do with this massive fish you ask? I.... have.... no..... idea.... but my boys love it so that's all that matters, right? Later that afternoon Janis and Steve babysat Austin so Josh and I could join my family at the movie theaters to see Catching Fire. This was the first movie we had seen in forever and we loved it! My extended family from my Mom's side all went with us so it was quite the party. Even though most of us only live 30 minutes away from each other, we are all so busy that we never get together.

The new member of our family... Austin's fish.

 

Family is the best!

Thanks Grandma and Grandpa for babysitting me!

Steve and Janis left early the next morning and Josh and I spent the rest of the weekend trying to recover from the holiday. We ended up going to the mall as a family to let Josh spend his Christmas money from his parents and eat lunch at the food court. Austin is at such a fun stage where he loves to look around and interact with people so the mall was the perfect place for him. Every store we went into was full of his paparazzi. I love my little family so much. I've thought a lot about what I am most grateful for over this past month and it always comes down to family. Nothing feels more heavenly than being surrounded by the ones you love, laughing, and having a great time.

Milestones: 4 Months Old!

He always wakes up so happy!

Austin is now four months old and just had his four month checkup/shots yesterday. He is such a smart baby. As soon as the doctor walked in he knew exactly what was going to happen and totally freaked out on us.... poor guy :(. Just like last time, he cried for a little bit after the shots and then fell asleep by the time we got to the car. This time I was smarter and gave him the children's Tylenol BEFORE the after-pain set in and he did much better. He was a little grumpy and his legs hurt when you accidentally bumped them but overall he was pretty good. I enjoyed the extra cuddles too :). Josh was a little disheartened when Austin didn't want anything to do with him last night. I felt bad about that and had to explain to him that his son still loves him and that he just isn't feeling well and when you don't feel good you want your Momma!

At four months he is:

-25 inches long
-15lbs 4oz
-his head went from the 25th percentile to the 75th percentile!
-learning how to roll over but hasn't figured out how to get his arm out from under him once he does.
-loves to smile and laugh but refuses to do it for the camera. It's so frustrating!
-no longer taking long naps (sad). He is now a power-napper so we do our best to get things done in the 20-30 minutes we have!
-talking up a storm in his own language. It's so cute because he talks himself to sleep at night and we love laying there in bed listening to him.
-learning how to scream whenever he gets super happy. There was even a day when he lost his voice because he had been screaming so much! It's hilarious! He suddenly gets all this energy and just can't hold it in!
-still breastfeeding like a champ!
-starting to get really attached to Mom and has a hard time letting strangers near him. He instantly looks around to make sure I am there when they come near him.
-loving football time with Daddy. While I am at work Josh sends me pictures of the two of them chillin' in front of the TV. I can't believe he actually lays there and watches it! I think we have a future football player on our hands ;).
-changing almost daily. It seems like he looks different every time I look over at him! I went to Costco the other day to print off pictures and I couldn't believe the difference over the last 2 months!
-having fun with Dad at night playing games with his blanket while Mom is in the shower. Josh will put the blanket over Austin's head and then pull it away really fast and Austin thinks that is hilarious! He has even learned how to do it himself!
-lot more interactive and has fun playing on the floor with is little plastic keys and toy radio.

Pictures over the last month:

Saying his prayers :)

3 1/2 months

4 months: Can  you see a difference?

After his 4 month shots... poor baby :(

Getting cuddles from Mom after his shots

Little Rocky! bath/shower time is so much fun :).

Helping Mom bake brownies in our PJ's on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

I LOVE this outfit! He looks like a chubby guy who is getting ready to hit up the gym!

Giving Mom kisses

Our Austin.... oh how we love him!

Time Out For Women

I got to go to Time Out for Women in St. George for the first time this year and absolutely loved it! I was worried about having a baby there and not being able to pay much attention to the speakers (which was half way accurate) but I still felt the spirit and was able to hear some pretty amazing people give some pretty great talks! It actually was nice having Austin as my excuse to get up and walk around and look at the cool exhibits and stuff to buy while I listened to the talks.

 My family made a "girl trip" out of it which was the best part of the whole trip! My Mom, Briana, and I got a hotel room together and I brought Austin's bassinet so he wouldn't have to sleep on the floor (yuck). We wished we had gotten the room for an extra day because we weren't in it much and the heated indoor pool would have been a lot of fun, but now we know for next year!


I had a lot of fun catching up with my aunt Tammy and cousin Lara who drove down from West Jordan.

All the girls wanted to hold the baby

My Grandma Wiegel lives in St. George now so after TOFW we went over to her house and got to eat ice cream and talk with everyone. It was too hard trying to catch up during the conference so it was nice to have the ability to sit around the living room afterwards and chat.

Austin loves Great Grandma Wiegel! He couldn't stop smiling at her!

Waiting in line at the concession stand during one of the breaks. Yay for pretzels and diet coke!

So..... as my best friends from high school who went to France with me know, I tend to fall in love with giant paintings and then buy them without thought as to how I am going to get them home. What can I say? When I love it, I buy it! So here is the newest addition to our art collection :)... Let's just say it took a lot of effort and ingenuity to get it home.

Trust me, it's much larger in real life

Hanging out with a bunch of women that I love during a whole weekend of feeling the spirit of Christ was exactly what I needed! I can't wait for next year! And what was Josh doing that weekend you ask? His Dad came to visit and the two of them got to enjoy a whole baby-free weekend full of football, buffet lunch, and the movie theater! He can't wait for next year too lol!

Austin's First Halloween

We had such a blast this Halloween thanks to our little guy. He made the most adorable baby cow! He even had a little tail! My mom and sisters came over to celebrate with us and we all had a blast. Once Josh got off work we put Austin in his outfit and took him trick-or-treating for the first time. I have to give the kid props, he knows how to work it! He sat there in my arms holding his little Hersheys chocolate bar looking as adorable as possible in his cow outfit and people were literally dumping whole buckets of candy into his bag because they couldn't get over how cute he was! We all benefited from this of course ;). Josh and I took turns holding him because after a while of carrying a baby around the neighborhood your arms start to get tired. I just have to say, we moved into the best community! Everyone totally got into the holiday spirit! The houses were all decorated and even the adults were dressed up in the most elaborate costumes! It made us all realize what lame-o's we are because none of us had dressed up for Halloween in years. Next year though!

Austin was having so much fun that he fell asleep in Dad's arms as we were circling the block back to our house. We came home with all of our loot and ate our homemade pumpkin bisque I made in the adorable pumpkin shaped bread bowls my mom had bought and then watched Beetle Juice per Josh's request and pigged out on candy. He had bought the movie weeks ago and was dying for Halloween to come so he could watch it and relive his childhood. That guy makes me laugh so hard sometimes ;).

Austin getting his costume on

Gotta have your hat!

Too stinking cute!

Look at my tail!

Dad had a lot of fun :)

The gang (minus Josh who is taking the pic) out trick-or-treating

"Trick-or-Treat!"

"And I'm spent..." Sweet little guy had too much fun ;).

Sweet dreams little cow

MMMmmm pumpkin soup

Since the night was such a fun success, we have decided to make it a tradition! It's awesome how much fun having kids can be!

Torn

I have a long list of things to write about and catch up on in the blog, but right now I have a lot of feelings that I need to express somehow. I don't expect this to make sense to anyone but me because, SURPRISE! I'm the only one who can hear what's going on in my head! So right now Austin is watching Baby Einstein and I have a few minutes to think. Here it goes:

I feel torn. My heart is so full with love for my husband and my baby and my family and my job....basically my life! Yet I feel like I don't have enough time to love any of them enough. I never knew how much mothers give of themselves until I became one. I never knew the pain of coming home from work at 3am after working 30 hours in 2 days with 4 hours of sleep in between, and hearing your baby cry out for you. Why does it hurt? Well basically because I'm tired! I'm SO FREAKING TIRED! And I want so badly to go grab my son and hold him and love him back to sleep..... but there is breast milk I pumped throughout the day that needs to be put into bags in the freezer, and then of course there are the bottles and breast pump pieces that need to be disinfected, and there is my insane OCD side that won't let me sleep until I know that my house is put back into order and everything is clean, and there is the fact that I so badly need a shower after dealing with blood and body fluids all day, and if I have to go back to work the next day there is a lunch that needs to be made. So after I do all this and hop out of the shower as fast as I can so I can run to my baby's side, I realize that I haven't eaten since noon and there is no way it is happening now. Oh yeah, and what about sleeping? I find myself telling that person in my head that it's okay, you don't need sleep because there's this amazing chemical called caffeine you can load up on tomorrow! When I am lucky, Austin eats and then goes back to sleep easily which allows me to drift off into slumber for a couple of hours before he wakes me up again. But on the not so lucky nights (like last night) I spend hours rocking him and feeding him and singing to him until we both pass out and I wake up wondering how long I have been sleeping in the rocking chair for? I feel guilty. I feel like Austin needs a better mom. He needs a mom that has the guts to stand up for what she believes in and can say "screw you" to the world and quits her job on the spot because she knows that her baby is the only thing that matters. But I can't. I can't do that to my husband, and financially I can't do that to my family. I just can't....

Speaking of my husband, he's probably getting neglected the worst out of everyone! He has been living off of TV dinners and we literally go from Sunday to Wednesday night before we see or talk to each other (in person) because of our work schedules. He informed me the other night that it would be really nice to have a wife who cooks so he can come home to a home cooked meal once in a while and a piece of me died inside. I wanted to cry but I held it in because I have been doing that too much lately. I used to be that woman. I LOVE to cook and I LOVE the feeling it contributes to the home. But if I am having a hard enough time trying to get breakfast and lunch in, how am I going to make dinner? There are other sides of marriage that have been lacking lately, but it is too personal to delve into here so I will keep that part in my head. So all I can do is say, "Sorry Josh. You are my world and I love you more than anything... but I don't have the energy to be the wife you deserve."

Oh and what happened to friends and church and socializing??? Gone. All gone. I have friends from college who call and leave messages but I rarely have the time to get back to them. I have a best friend who lives in the same city as me and hasn't been feeling well, but do I have the time to go take care of her? Nope. And I honestly can't tell you how long it has been since I have gone to Relief Society and attempted to make friends at church. We sneak out after sacrament and take advantage of the Sunday afternoons we have to spend together before the week starts all over again.

We have lived in our new house since August, and I am just barely getting the decorating done (well, almost done). And what about cleaning the house? My sweet mother does random chores for me while she is here watching Austin and I feel so guilty because I know I should be doing it myself. Our master bathroom toilet is growing some weird orange fungus..... I know, TMI. But it's true! And there is no way I am going to ask her to clean it because I am so embarrassed!

I gave up on Pinterest because all it does is depress me. I get so excited to do all the crafts and bake all the food I see on there, but that excitement soon dies down once I realize all the work it takes to buy the ingredients/supplies. I read all the blogs out there that you perfect moms write and I feel so jealous. I feel jealous that you somehow find time to put on makeup and jewelry every day. I feel jealous that you are out there exercising and taking care of your bodies! I feel jealous that your children are growing up with homemade blankets, quiet books, and dolls that you made for them and that every holiday you make a new decoration for your house. And that reminds me... shouldn't I be reading more to Austin and helping him become really smart with all the time I am putting into expanding his mind? Yeah, I think I put that on the list months ago. Maybe tomorrow.

I guess you could say I am surviving. Let's just hope that is enough.

On the bright side! Yes, thank goodness there is a bright side ;). With all of this stress and lack of time, I am now 12 pounds lighter than I was before I got pregnant with Austin. That makes 46 pounds lighter than I was the day I gave birth to him. I am only 1 pound away from the weight I was on our wedding day and this morning I pulled out my size 4 pre-marriage jeans and I slipped right into them! I was so depressed the day I realized I no longer fit in them and sadly put them away in my cedar chest for that joyous day when I could wear them again. YAY FOR TODAY!! Who knows, at the rate I am going, maybe I will be buying size 2 jeans soon!

Please don't read this and think that I am on the verge of suicide or that I am ridiculously unhappy because that is definitely not the case. Like I said earlier, for a lack of better words, I just feel torn.

I have to go now. Austin is no longer interested in learning how to count to 10 in multiple languages.

Josh's 29th Birthday

Everything is different now that we have a baby. It is almost impossible to go anywhere and you really don't even want to try because it just takes too much effort. So we were very grateful for our lovely babysitters (Jura/Adrien & my Mom) who helped us make Josh's birthday so fun!

We started off by going out to dinner at Texas de Brazil on Friday night! Josh is such a carnivore so he was in heaven. I loved all the salad and sushi options they had and the lobster bisque was to die for!

It was so nice to be able to relax and eat for once without a little one hanging on me and crying for attention! Thank you so much to my best friend Jura!

 

 

Then on Saturday morning we took this little man to Logandale to have a sleepover with the grandparents! He had a lot of fun with everyone but I don't think I could go through that again. I missed him way too much!



Last picture with the baby before we left him for his big sleepover!

 

 

After we dropped the baby off, we headed to the Aliante Hotel and had the first night all to ourselves since Austin was born. It was so much fun (I'll spare you all the details) and it was so nice to just be us again. But seriously, by midnight I was lying awake missing my baby.... and I almost drove out to Logandale to get him. I'm glad I didn't though because my Mom said he did great and slept like an angel.

The birthday boy in front of our hotel.

 

It is so crazy to think that this is Josh's last year of his 20's and that we are parents with our college degrees and a mortgage to pay. We are getting so old! lol