The Dog Days Are Over

I wanted to write this a week ago, but Thanksgiving week was pretty busy so I am just now getting a chance. This post is a continuation of the TORN post that I wrote a couple of weeks ago.

First of all, I have to say I was overwhelmed by how much love I was shown after I wrote that post. I was instantly bombarded by texts, and phone calls from friends and family full of love and support for me and words of wisdom to help me through the situation I am in. However, being the "I don't like people coddling over me" person that I am, I was instantly regretting that I had written it. I seriously thought about deleting it at least 5 times, but I couldn't. Why, you ask? Because I know there will be a time in my life when I will want to remember what it was like to be a first time Mom and the true feelings that I felt, not just the perfect pictures of me smiling all the time. Plus, how can I express what I've learned over the past few weeks if I delete why I learned it?

So here it goes... my learning experiences. The ironic part about these experiences is that they all happened while I was at work! And wasn't work the thing that I was complaining about to begin with? Yes, yes it was. So I have come to the realization that God has put me in this situation because he knows this is the best place for me to learn.

Lesson #1: It all started when I was in a patient's room on the Med/Surg floor of one of the hospitals I travel to. I was sitting there performing his dialysis and watching my patient closely to make sure he was tolerating everything okay. That's when I noticed his skin. To say it was dry and flaky is an understatement. This poor old man looked like he had just traveled through the Sahara Desert without a drop of water. It looked itchy and painful, and I was glad it was him and not me. Then his wife walked in and I instantly thought, "Oh good! Someone who loves him and will take care of his needs!" But sadly, that's not what happened. And what's even more sad is I saw myself in his wife and in what she deemed as important in this situation. She walked into the room, kissed her husband on the forehead and told him that she loved him, and then instantly got to work! She cleaned up spills, organized drawers, and fluffed up his pillows. In fact, she was so OCD about her tasks that she actually made the rest of the staff mad at her later because nobody could find anything! I could tell that in her head, this was her way of showing her love and devotion to her man who was lying sick in the hospital bed. I could see in her eyes what she was thinking because it's exactly what I would be thinking too! "If I make this room perfect and clean, he will feel more comfortable and at home." I was also watching her husband during this time and was trying to figure out what he was thinking about her "business." He watched her with kind eyes and once she was done, he kissed her and told her that he was happy and didn't need anything. Here's the learning part though. Once his wife left, he turned to me and said, "my skin itches so bad. Will you scratch my back?" It was like a bomb had gone off in my head. Here his wife was, cleaning and focusing on her tasks, and never once did she actually LOOK at her husband and notice his skin falling off! This hit me so hard because This is me! She was me! I focus so much on all the tasks to do and think so much about how I want everything to be so perfect all the time, that I forget to slow down and actually look at the people around me and see their needs! I pondered on this as I scratched his back and then decided to grab a bottle of lotion and lather him up with it. This is why I feel so overwhelmed all the time. It's because I have that type A, perfectionist personality that won't ever let me stop and actually focus on the things that I know are more important. So that is when I decided I am going to learn how to slow down. Learn how to not be so task oriented. Learn how to look past the "things to do" and actually look at the people I am so diligently doing them for. This isn't going to be easy, but I know it is something I need to learn or I am going to drive myself crazy.

Lesson #2: I was in the ICU this time, dialyzing the numerous patients there and thinking, "Wow, I really want to go home and see my husband and baby." I then saw a fellow Nephrology Nurse there and went over to her to chat. We went through the usual small talk and then she told me she was going home early today. I was confused since none of us are allowed that luxury right now with the "busy season" starting up and I asked her if she was feeling sick? What she said next left me stunned and I am pretty sure my jaw hit the floor. "Yes" she said. "I have breast cancer and am currently undergoing chemotherapy. I also just has a mastectomy a couple of weeks ago and am still recovering from surgery." Talk about bombshell! "What are you doing here?! Go home and get better!" I found myself saying. Her response is the learning part for me because I suddenly realized that I am not the only one in a "tough" situation and in fact, my situation isn't even that tough compared to hers! She told me that she has used up all of her sick time and needs to continue working so she can keep her health insurance to pay for the medical bills the cancer is racking up. She also informed me that her husband is currently unemployed and she is their only means of making money to survive all of this. SELFISH, UNGRATEFUL, THOUGHTLESS..... these are the words that describe how I felt while I sat there listening to her life story. How can I even once think about how God is punishing me by making me leave my baby to go to work when here my coworker is, battling cancer, and working her butt off to pay for it! How can I even think about complaining that I never get to see my husband because of our work schedules, when here she is telling me that she has to work overtime because her husband can't even find a job to take care of her!

I just want to take a moment and thank these people for teaching me lessons that I will never forget. Thank you for showing me how to be grateful for the beautiful life I have been given and how to love deeper than I thought I was currently loving. And thank you Heavenly Father for giving me these experiences and finding the perfect way to teach me these lessons that I needed to learn. I will never again complain about my life. Okay, maybe not "never," but I will sure try harder not to!

I went running the other night and was listening to the song, "The Dog Days Are Over" by Florence and the Machine (which is where the title of this post comes from) and I suddenly felt this light and energy that I haven't felt in a long time. It felt like this song describes perfectly how I now feel!   

 

Happiness hit her like a train on a track
Coming towards her stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with her drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind
You can't carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come

And I never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had and what was left after that too, oh
Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back
Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come

 

There's more to the song, but you get the point. I am done being sad and overwhelmed. I am done feeling like life is unfair. The dog days are over and I am going to leave all my longing behind. God has blessed me with blessings far beyond my worth and I am basically throwing it back in his face when I complain and don't even acknowledge how generous he is to me.

I have the most beautiful baby in the world and he loves me. In fact, he loves me so much that he can't even sleep throughout the night without wanting me. Am I tired? YES. But would I trade in my son for a full night of sleep? NEVER.

I have a handsome, amazing husband who not only works hard for our family, but comes home and plays with our son, does laundry and grocery shopping on his days off, and surprises me constantly with flowers, doing random chores for me so I don't have to, and gives words of affirmation to let me know that I am the most beautiful woman he has ever known.

I have a job that wears me out but keeps me humble. Every day I take care of people less fortunate than myself and if I put my selfishness away for a while, I can really learn a thing or two from their examples.

Just like last time, I have to go because Austin wants me. But this time I don't see it as a nuisance. I see it as a time for me to get over my need to finish things (like this blog) and go take care of something that really matters.