Thanksgiving in San Diego!

Sea World and all of the amazing sea creatures far exceeded our expectations! It was such a wonderful trip!

I love the traditions of Thanksgiving; the food, the family, the joy! But this year we were lacking in joy and all my siblings are living far far away... so that leaves me alone to make all the food. Well, me and my Mom, but she and I haven't been on speaking terms since I lost the baby and she abandoned me in my time of need. I have since forgiven her for that, but in the moment all the emotions from October were still raw and painful. So we decided to escape life for Thanksgiving this year, and I am soooooo glad we did! It was just what we needed. Sunshine, the ocean, new experiences, and happy memories visiting with friends! And it was so apparent on that first day when we checked into our hotel and the kids instantly fell asleep by the pool. It was like we were all physically and emotionally exhausted from all of our trials over the past two months and we needed a break. And what better way to take that break than soaking up the suns loving rays by the pool?

Now THIS is the life!

Getting Evie to slow down is impossible so this view really took us by surprise!

This was our first trip in our new car and we LOVED it!! We didn't have to listen to Austin complaining about car sickness because he has his own air vent now! I didn't have to squish in my seat stuffed with luggage at my feet because our car is huge! And Evie is now sitting up high enough to see out the window! Oh and Dad was loving the Sony stereo system ;). This car has changed our world just enough to make me slightly grateful for the car accident that fatefully brought it into our lives. We made good time because we left early before the Thanksgiving traffic set in. Since we were traveling on Thanksgiving day we figured it would be best to just hang around the hotel and relax, which turned out to be an amazing idea! Nowhere to be, nothing to do, just relax and enjoy each others company without any stress or drama. It was amazing :).

Off for an adventure in our new Ford Flex!

Checking into the hotel and then off to the pool!

This Thanksgiving was all about family and living in the moment. It was everything I wanted and more. These beautiful humans are everything I wanted and more.

We spent the whole afternoon by the pool until the sun went down. We were all trying to get over horrible chest cold that had plagued our house so we spent  more time in the hot tub than we did in the pool. It just wasn't quite warm enough for that. We had gotten out to dry off on the lounge chairs when both kids suddenly passed out asleep and Josh and I found ourselves alone! It was a Thanksgiving miracle! We talked, and read our books for about 3 hours before the kids woke up again and we couldn't believe it! They were hungry when they awoke so Dad went to the hotel Restaurant to grab us a pizza and we brought it back to our room and then ate it in bed while we snuggled up together and watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade on the TV. In that moment we all felt so happy. It wasn't pumpkin pie and turkey, but it was just what we needed and more. Thankful was an understatement in that happy moment :).

Getting our hot tub on! It was about 65 degrees outside and the pool was just a little bit chilly for these desert rats.

My boys :). Austin is getting so big! I wish I could stop time...

Dad catching up on some light reading while the kiddos napped! This never happens people!

And Mom just soaking it all in. The silence, the sunshine, the amazing comfort of being on vacation and not having a care in the world...

Evie woke up from her nap and attempted to swim in the pool before the sun set, but it was very cold and she wasn't in there long!

On Friday we experienced Sea World for the first time and loved it! Since Sea World doesn't open until 11am in the fall, we got to sleep in and slowly get ready for the day. The whole pace of this trip was slow and steady and we loved it! It was so unlike our typical vacation where we are zooming around trying to do everything and experience as much as we can. But not this time. This trip was all about relaxation. The kids LOVED the tide pools at Sea World where we could pet the fish and sharks and the Killer Whale show was awesome! We also rode all sorts of kiddie rides and had a great time! Nobody wanted to stop for food because everywhere we turned there was something else to experience and enjoy!

How amazing are God's creations?!

Watching the killer whale show and loving it!

Cotton candy mustaches for the win! :)

The kids LOVED the tide pools. These little fish sat and nibbled on your fingers so of course we had to stay for a while for this one ;).

Tiny wonders....

So many new rides to explore!

Yay for kiddie rides!

Thumbs up for a successful day at Sea World!

On Saturday we spent the day at Mission Beach with our good friends Susie and Brian and their little ones, Wayne and baby Clark :). Susie was my college roommate and best friend! I love her so much and we try to get together whenever we are in California where they live. The kids spent the whole day playing in the sand, collecting sand dollars and seashells, and feeding the seagulls. Meanwhile, the adults talked and talked while listening to music and just soaking up the sound of children laughing and the ocean tides rolling. I was in my happy place and wished the day would never end. I snuggled baby Clark almost the entire time and soaked up his new baby cuddles. It helped ease the loss of my own little one by having a baby to love on; almost therapeutic. Susie and Brian have a townhouse in San Diego so after our amazing day of playing at the beach, we went over to their house for dinner! It was so fun! We bathed the sand off of all of our kiddos in the bath while the Dad's went out and got us some BBQ food for dinner. Then we put on a movie for the kids upstairs while the adults hung out downstairs and watched a movie. It was the perfect end to such a wonderful day :).

My happy place :).

All our babies playing in the sand. The whole day was so picturesque!

We found all sorts of new things on Mission Beach. Even the sea weed was different from what we were used to at Huntington beach!

My favorite part was  when Austin looked up at me and said, "I like the way you think Mom, you're always coming up with good adventures." And in that moment my heart smiled and all I could think was "THIS is what it's all about. All the hurt, all the pain, all the years of no sleep. THIS right here."

Feeding the greedy seagulls who basically ate ALL of our food and kept coming back for more! The kids didn't mind ;).

Feeding the birds with Susie...

It is so fun having memories with my friend from our college days and the crazy teens we were back then, and now maintaining that friendship as adults with our own little ones. It's not as exciting, but it's definitely wonderful!

Our little beach babe :).

My best friend and soul sister, and her beautiful new baby! I love you Susie-Q!

The sand at Mission beach was smooth with no seashells. It was very different from what we were used to. There were, however, a TON of sand dollars and Austin made it his mission to find them all!

Austin found a new sea creature that we had never seen before!

And then of course he threw it..... boys :).

On Sunday we spent a second day at Sea World and did all the things we didn't do on the first day. The dolphin show was amazing and the kids loved visiting the penguins and feeding the flamingos. Everything was so expensive there, but we did find a gift shop that we could actually afford for the kids to spend their saved up money. Austin bought a set of best friends necklaces and gave one to his Daddy. It was the sweetest thing in the world! They were mood necklaces where the penguin pendant changes colors with your mood. So Austin was constantly asking Josh what color his necklace was and if he knew what his necklace says, just in case Josh forgot who his best friend is :). Evie also bought a penguin necklace,  but she didn't want the best friends one like her brother, she wanted her own individual necklace as if asserting her independence as she has so often been doing lately. Oh the joys of your babies growing up.... As the sun began to set and the weather grew colder, we sadly said goodbye to Sea World and all of our marine friends. The kids were tired from their big adventures but oh so happy.... we all were :).

Our second day was more sunny and warm than the first; perfect for a full day outdoors!

Oh Evie, your adventurous soul and contagious smile makes every vacation one in a million!

Austin and Daddy showing off their new best friends necklaces :). I love that Austin loves his Daddy so much and I love that Josh wore his necklace proudly :). This crew melts my heart on a daily basis!

This was the first trip where the kids asked to ride the rides by themselves! It was definitely a milestone and I didn't know if I should be proud or cry!

They were so proud of themselves for being big enough to ride alone! I couldn't belive Austin went on this one alone, but he did!!

The flamingos were so beautiful! We bought food to feed them but they were rather snobbish and refused to eat it. But the pigeons, however, came right up to us and ate out of our hands! So it definitely a win in our book!

We slept in on Monday morning and then slowly made our way to check out of the Hilton Garden Hotel. We felt so much more relaxed and energized than when we had checked in, which was precisely the point of this vacation and  we would do it all again in a heartbeat! Sometimes life throws you lemons and you have to do your best to make lemonade. This was our lemonade and I wouldn't have had it any other way :).

October.... One Rough Month!! And the Moments That Got Me Through.

 

 I wish I could say we came home from Disneyland to a happily ever after kind of life.... but sadly it was the exact opposite of happy :(.

I found out I was pregnant the day after we got home and our spirits were high! It was a surprise, but one that gave us all excitement for our new future!! The kids were excited; especially Evie. She talked about changing the baby's diapers and feeding it bottles, while both kids argued over who got to sleep with it. Then the bleeding began.....

I was at work when I noticed some spotting and my worst nightmare became a reality. I left work and went straight to the OBGYN to get my blood drawn and pray for a miracle. I was put on bed rest and was told that I was probably just working too hard. I called my Mom and asked her to come help me since I was supposed to be resting but she told me she was busy learning how to quilt and would come whenever she felt like it. NO, I am not kidding. Welcome to my family. I made the best of the situation and despite the pain and bleeding, managed to get Austin to school each day and keep Evie alive. My Mom showed up two days later and I bawled my eyes out when I saw her. I was so grateful that someone was coming to help me, even if she made sure I knew I was the last thing on her priority list. She stayed with us for two days, during which my hopes were restored and I was put on Progesterone hormones to help me keep the baby. I rested but was still able to enjoy Austin's Elementary School Fall Festival, as well as Josh's birthday (celebrated late). My Mom had bought an ice cream cake for him since I wasn't able to bake and we had a small but happy little party.

Grandma helping me take Evie to dance class

Helping me take Austin to school

Hanging out at Jolly Beans Cafe playing cards to pass the time

Austin's Fall Festival!

He was soooo excited to throw a pie in the teacher's face!

Our little Utah Ute all ready for College Day at school!

Blowing out the candles on Daddy's 34th Birthday!

I look about as terrible as I felt, but I tried so hard to be present despite the pain I was in.

Josh was a trooper through the whole thing and happily ate his makeshift cake that we ate a week late.

My Mom stayed with us for two days and we had a lot of fun! But sadly, she could only be there for me for those two days and then she decided she didn't want to be there anymore and left. Well, more like I angrily threw her out my house when she informed me that I was fine and my baby was fine and she didn't need to be here anymore. I felt anything but fine. I felt abandoned, I felt scared, I felt judged. I felt like she was telling me that I was basically making everything up and just because she was too selfish to help me, I was going to lose my baby. And sadly, I did lose the baby. I started bleeding heavily after I vehemently threw all of her stuff out of my house and lost the baby two days later. Why did I react the way I did? Because I was in a moment of sincere need and my own mother showed her true colors and left me. I realized how alone I am and how nobody really cares about my welfare. They care enough to show up for two days and create a facade of the "perfect happy family," but in the end, they always leave. My own mother couldn't be there for me. I can't even describe how hurt I was. For her to tell me I was fine and she didn't need to be there for me and then lose my baby two days later had my mind in a rage. A blind, hateful rage. I didn't talk to her for two months after that. In fact, I just barely answered her phone call yesterday. And I regretted it as soon as I did. Nothing had changed. She didn't ask how I was feeling, or even if I was okay. It was all about her.

Anyways, I was blessed in one aspect of my Mom leaving though because my sister Sadie came to my rescue! She was planning on coming anyway to pick up her car (she moved to Colorado and left her car at my house) but as soon as she saw what a mess I was, she stayed as long as I needed her. It was such a blessing because she was there when I lost the baby. I was having horrible contractions while trying to watch Evie dance and as soon as we got home I ran to the bathroom and the baby came out. I sat on the floor and cried my heart out for three straight hours while my sister held me and cried along with me. It was a horrible moment I will never forget that also included so much love. My parents are psychotic but at least I have decent sisters.... Sadie stayed until I was mentally capable to handling my life again. She went everywhere with me from school drop off to dance class and I needed her companionship more than she knows. Josh was working throughout the whole horrible ordeal and I needed someone there to help me stay sane when all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole and die. My hormones were all over the place for over a month after that due to the Progesterone I had been taking to prevent the miscarriage so let's just say it was rough.... Now, months later, Evie still prays for God to give us another baby every day and my heart hurts each and every time. I don't know why it happened or what the point of that was, but we have to just keep plugging along with faith that God knows what he's doing.

This was the night Sadie showed up and I spent all night crying and telling her what had happened with Mom. Thankful is an understatement.

We all loved having Aunt Sadie here! She was a light during such a dark time.

If Sadie is good at anything, it's making me laugh! And oh how I needed to laugh.

She got to watch Evie dance and even bought her flowers!

This was taken right before we went home and I officially lost the baby. I was in so much pain but still managed to smile. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so good at hiding reality behind that smile. Maybe people like my Mom would understand me better and have more empathy when I am struggling.

I wish I could say it got better after Sadie left but it didn't. I got into a car accident on my way home from Evie's ballet class and totaled my car. A woman had ran a stop sign and T-boned my poor car. Luckily nobody was hurt (especially since Evie was in the back seat), but my mental sanity was hanging on by a thin thread. I kinda lost it after that. I was not doing good at all. I spent my days arguing with insurance companies and sharing a car with Josh which was anything but ideal since we both still had to go to work despite and shit storm we were facing on a daily basis. I couldn't wait to be done with October. We still carved pumpkins and we still went to our ward trunk or treat and our community Halloween party. We still did trick or treating and we still showed up for our kids in every way we could so they wouldn't be affected  by our constant drama. But on the inside, we were struggling big time. I felt like I would never be happy again. In just a week I had lost my baby, my car, and my Mother. What more could God do to me?

I am happy to report that it did eventually get better. November brought with it a breath of fresh air. This included a new car that just happened to be the exact car I have been wanting for years now! We also chose this month to remodel our floors and finally put in the laminate wood flooring that has been sitting in our garage for months now! Grandpa Nate came to help us and somehow we pulled it off! It was a ridiculous amount of work that my knees are still aching from but it was totally worth it! We also chose happiness by decorating our Christmas tree, and baking all sorts of pumpkin flavored goodies :). Life has a funny way of surprising you. Just when you think you can't handle any more pain, you are presented with so much love and beauty that you think your heart can't take any more! :)

Carving pumpkins for Halloween!

Austin refused to touch the pumpkin guts and would only use a spoon haha!

Evie preferred to paint her pumpkin and skip the messy pumpkin guts all together ;).

Off to the Ward Trunk or Treat!

Dance class Halloween style! Just look at all those cute little three year old princesses and the one girl who dared to be a power ranger :).

Our beautiful new car!!!

Saying goodbye to our old car was so hard. We had so many wonderful memories in that car!

After work we all headed to our neighborhood Halloween party and hall a wonderful time!

We ate corn dogs and candy!

We picked out pumpkins in the pumpkin patch and decorated them!

And our kids bounced their hearts out in the bouncy house

We also spent a beautiful Saturday morning at the local cafe and wandering around the farmers market.

This was such a beautiful day :)

I channeled my pain into remodeling my house and got the upper cabinet backsplash all finished! This is the before pic.

The final product looks so good and I couldn't be more in love!

Halloween was a happy event! I took a mental health day from work because I was struggling so badly on the inside and spent the day loving on my family. The best kind of therapy!

They are knocking on doors and begging for candy like pro's now! Happy Halloween!

My sweet sorority sisters sent me these flowers and my heart exploded with love! I haven't seen those girls in 10 years but they still found it in their hearts to let me know they love me!

I also channeled my pain into baking and making memories with my kids.

Evie color coordinating refrigerator magnets while the cookies cool because she's smart like that ;)

Yoga was also high on the priority list.

I am so proud of my children and their beautiful souls! They healed my heart during the worst time and I am forever grateful for them!

Austin wanted to write a book so we spent the day baking and writing novels about flowers :).

Just look at how good he is getting at writing!

My little authors hard at work!

These goofballs make life worth living :)

We spent the last days of fall wandering around the park finding pretty flowers.....

....and swinging our cares away....

Demo day for our floor! This is the before picture! We ripped out our carpet and spent 6 days installing new flooring!

The holy cow it's finally done picture!

We were so grateful to Nathan for helping us out with this enormous project! Now it will take months of cleaning to get all the saw dust out of the house and we still have baseboards to finish. But this is good enough for now!

Then Evie and I spent an entire day returning flooring and other things we didn't end up needing. This hot dog was much needed by the end of it!

Baking pumpkin donuts :)

brushing on the melted butter

And dipping them into the cinnamon sugar! Yumm!

My little elves hard at work making our house feel like Christmas!

Setting up the nativity scene!

Now THIS is perfection! Just look at that beautiful floor and trees! Life is looking up from this end!

Decorating the big Christmas tree once Daddy got home :)

Evie putting the angel on the little tree

There's nothing a beautiful Christmas tree can't fix :).

It takes teamwork and a couple times of falling off the couch into the Christmas tree to get the job done! ;)

You wouldn't know it, but our kids were super sick in most of these pictures. Apparently I've passed on my ability to have fun and keep smiling despite the worst of circumstances. Poor Evie girl was so sick she fell asleep while I was giving her a manicure!

Austin made me breakfast to say sorry for keeping us all awake the night before when we were all sick and miserable. How could I say no to a feast of grapes, trail mix, and left over sweet potatoes? hahaha!

Austin had his first Thanksgiving program in Kindergarten! Sadly, I was working that day, but Josh got off early so he could be there to represent us both. We are both so proud of our little turkey and how well he is adjusting to school!

Basically, what I've taken from the past month is that shit happens and there is nothing you can do about it. But there are always people to be grateful for and moments to have a good laugh in between the sorrow. These pictures are proof of that! Thank you God for all of these beautiful people who make my life worth living!