Nursing Moments....

 I had a really crazy nursing moment a little while back that still leaves me sad, and I can't quite explain the other feeling that comes along with it. Am I confused, disturbed, in awe?? There isn't really a word! When you work in the medical field and your days are spent trying to keep people from dying, you have a lot of bizarre spiritual experiences most people just don't get. For that I feel grateful. Some people study medicine, only to find themselves questioning whether there is a God and puffing themselves up, thinking they ARE a God (ahem, doctors....) But not me. No, I find that my work experiences only prove on a daily basis how beautiful and marvelous God is and how little we actually know about his power and love for his children!

It was 3am and I was driving to Pahrump to cover for their nurse who broke her arm recently and couldn't come in to work. I actually like that long drive because it gives me a chance to think. Our home life is so busy and crazy, that quiet reflection is a rarity. So as I was pondering, a weird sort of daydream came over me. At least that's what it felt like. The kind of daydream that you just kinda shake off once it's done and you move onto your other thoughts.

In the daydream I was assessing a favorite patient of mine in Pahrump when he suddenly got very sentimental on me and told me how happy he is to see me today. He told me that it makes his day when I walk through the door because he knows when Ashly is here, it's going to be a good day. He went into detail about how I always make everyone feel so comfortable and taken care of. Dialysis can be a scary and even dangerous experience, and it helps to have a nurse who is calm and takes charge, making everyone around her feel that everything is going to be okay.... even when the shi* just hit the fan (so to speak). He said he's been watching me and he loves how I don't take crap from anyone, even the doctors, and said he has laughed on more than one occasion while he watched me tell a doctor where he can shove his diploma! "Basically," he said, "We all know that when you are here, everything is going to be okay. Thank you for that."

As the daydream continued, I thanked him for his kind words, told him I do the best I can, and then he suddenly had a heart attack and died right there on the spot! It was traumatizing! But like I said, once the daydream was over, I just kinda shook it off and moved on with my thoughts.

Okay, now flash forward to me being at work and in walks this same patient. I didn't really think much of my previous daydream because, let's face it, it was 3am and the brain thinks up some really bizarre stuff when you're super tired!

Then, as I was assessing him before treatment, he suddenly started saying all the things he told me in my daydream!!!

No, I'm not joking.

Almost word for word, he expressed his gratitude to me for the care I've given him and for how safe I make him feel. The mood was getting kinda heavy so I laughed it off and joked around with him saying, "Okay, this sounds a lot like a bed side confession.... you better not die on me now!" He laughed too and assured me he wasn't going anywhere any time soon :). We laughed a little more, I thanked him for his kind words, and then I moved onto my other patients.

AND AN HOUR LATER HE DIED IN MY ARMS.....

It wasn't a daydream... It was a premonition.

I'm usually pretty good at keeping my emotions in check when bad stuff happens at work. You can't fall apart when so many people are looking up to you to keep telling them everything will be okay. But I just couldn't this time. I went into the bathroom and bawled my eyes out. Then, I cried all the way home, went straight to my husband, and cried some more.

In all my years of nursing I have never had something like this happen. Yes, there is that gut instinct we all feel that tells you to go do something because you just have this feeling something bad is going to happen. And there is always that horrible moment when you didn't follow your gut and you are met with regret and disappointment in yourself for knowing better. But this was different. For some reason God wanted me to be prepared for this one. Or maybe it was like the theories with De'ja Vu where you know you are exactly where you are supposed to be because you've already experienced it before? Who knows. But once again, thanks to my job, I find myself strengthened in my testimony of God and all his many mysteries.