Learning to Say No

 

In the journey of "finding myself" I am realizing that a huge part of the stress in my life comes from my inability to say no. Josh has told me this numerous times and has gotten mad at me on countless occasions because if I'm stressed, then he's stressed. I always ignored him and told him he's just selfish and never says yes to anything so how would he know how to say no? But now that I am taking a closer look at things, I think he's right.

It all comes back to guilt. I am quickly learning that every decision in my life is made based on guilt! It's ridiculous!! I am so worried about people hating me, judging me, talking bad about me, or Jesus being disappointed in me that I feel the need to say yes to everything, even if it turns my life upside-down and turns me into a crazy monster!

I am learning to say NO. Not only say no, but not feel guilty immediately after saying it.

It has been so liberating! I feel a power come over me after I speak my mind that makes me smile inside and makes that crazy monster not feel the need to poke it's ugly head out of it's cage!

A few examples:

- My sister had a horrible head cold and I didn't want to be five feet near her in case I, or Austin, caught it. Then, after dinner one night, she asked if she could eat a piece of my cake! I sat there staring at the fork she was using and imagining all the bacteria on it, just waiting to infect me. I almost said yes and hoped I wouldn't suffer the consequences of getting sick just to be nice and spare her feelings. But then I decided to speak my mind and told her of course she could have some if she got a new fork that wasn't covered in germs. Basically all hell broke loose and she got super mad at me and the rest of the night was ruined. At first I was mad at myself for not just giving in to her demands, but then I realized I had stood up for myself and I shouldn't care if that hurts her feelings or not! I mean, is it that hard to grab a clean fork???

-We had the missionaries over for dinner a few nights ago, and as always, they challenged us to be better member missionaries. That part is fine. I know I should be trying harder in that department. It was the part where she asked us if within the next three days we would find a non-member and ask them if they want to hear about our church..... I could feel the stress coming on. I could feel the guilt rising. Three days??? I am so busy with Austin and my life as a wife/mother, how am I going to do this in three days?? Usually I would say yes and then stress for three days and ignore the phone call when the missionaries called to check up on my progress. But not this time. When the sister looked over at me, waiting for my response, I said no! I explained that I am making friends with a lot of non-members in our neighborhood and I am trying to bring the light of Christ into their lives by my example and friendship. Of course, if I felt the spirit prompting me to say something, I would. But in the meantime, I don't feel comfortable with forcing my religion on them in three days. Plus, I don't want to lose their friendship or be labeled as the "weird Mormon girl." I know I'm not supposed to care about that, but I do. Although they accepted my answer, I felt a lot of guilt. Mainly it came from feeling like I let Christ and my Heavenly Father down. It put a slightly awkward spin on the night until one of the sister missionaries suddenly spoke and said, "I just have the impression that I need to tell you right now how much Heavenly Father loves you and is proud of you." She was tearing up, I was tearing up, and suddenly a feeling of peace and love came over me. At that moment I knew that Heavenly Father understood my feelings and it was okay to feel that way. At that moment I understood that I don't have to be perfect for God to love me. It was beautiful.

-My Sister is getting her boobs done (AGAIN) and is going to be needing help with the basic stuff like doing her hair, makeup, shaving, etc. until she is healed. She called me last night asking if I would be that person she could count on to take care of her. I said yes at first, wanting to help her any way I can, but then after she described the length of care she will need, and the time of day she will need it, I realized that I will be simultaneously trying to get her ready for work (showering her, shaving her, doing her hair, doing her makeup), while making dinner, making Josh's lunch for the next day, feeding Austin, constantly monitoring Austin, and somehow giving Josh the love and attention he needs when he gets home from work and just wants someone to dote on him. I could feel it rearing it's ugly head. The stress monster was coming out and I knew it wasn't going to be pretty. So I said NO. I waited for the fight that usually erupts whenever my sister doesn't get what she wants, but this time it didn't happen! I was so relieved! Once again I felt my mind relaxing and a little pride fell over me. I stood up for myself again and it felt good!

This is a continuous journey and I know it isn't always going to end prettily. Is that a word? Anyways, I can't be scared of those consequences though because I need to take care of me. I am hoping if I take better care of me, the people around me will be happier and we will have less stress and chaos in our home. That's the goal anyways.

Saying no opens up a lot more time for the sweet things in life, like cuddling with your hubby on the love-sac.