Why? Who knows! Maybe it's hormones. Maybe it's boredom. Maybe It's me feeling insecure and down about myself which is something I feel a lot. Actually, now that I am pondering this, I think it is a combination of all of the above.
I feel insecure about my body and the weight that I have been gaining since I started staying at home with Austin. I feel insecure about who I am now that I don't have my job to define me and give me worth. I feel unsure about the decision I made to quit my job and constantly feel guilty that I'm not "pulling my own weight" in the financial department. I feel the pressure and fear that I will lose all my skills and won't ever be able to get another job again. Let's face it, the longer you go without a job, the harder it is to find a job. I feel irritated because I try so hard to keep a clean house and then the day my neighbor wants to come over to "see how I decorated" is the day Austin made a major mess and I had to tell her this isn't a good day. To add to that, I feel frustrated that I have a college degree and I am spending my days wiping up poop, cleaning bathrooms, sweeping, vacuuming, etc. and I am getting zero dollars for it!
Those are just a few things on my mind lately and whenever Ashly feels stressed or conflicted, she gets mean. And who knows that better than my husband? (sorry Josh)
Basically the poor guy can't do anything right when I am in this mode. I criticize, I pick apart, and I feel the urge to smack him in the head with a baseball bat (which I would never actually do of course) every time he opens up his mouth.
Am I horrible? Am I the most awful wife in the world? Maybe.
Am I the most lucky girl in the world to have such a wonderful husband who is loving and sweet to me no matter what flies out of my mouth (most of the time)? Duh!
This afternoon, after establishing that I was being a mega swear word, we figured it was time to get me out of the house and get some love from the sun by the pool. It's amazing the world of difference that made! Not only did I start smiling, I was laughing again! It was as if every ounce of UV light I soaked in was like a happy pill for my soul. I had so much fun watching my baby splash in the water and really enjoyed the much needed adult interaction I got from being social with the neighbors.
So maybe I just needed to get out of the house? The mind of a woman is a great mystery so lets not even bother with the psychoanalysis.
Thank you Heavenly Father for the beautiful day you gave us to enjoy, and thank you Josh for all your love. What would I do without you?
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| Heading out for a swim |
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| So grateful for my loved ones, especially this little one. |
None of this seemed to phase Austin (thank goodness). I am so jealous of his innocence and perfection. This is the kind of day he was having:
I hate days like this!! I can't be stuck inside all day it makes me feel bla. I gotta get out even if it's just sitting outside watching Rome play.
ReplyDeleteYes, getting out of the house definitely helps! Glad to know I'm not alone here.
DeleteI think the trick really is getting out of the house... Going to the park, the grocery store, for a walk or bike ride... B and I both seem to get a little grumpy if we stay cooped up all day. It was a hard transition at first and sometimes I feel like my life is nothing but cleaning and cooking and laundry, but I know if I was working again I would be dying over all the moments and memories I knew I was missing at home.
ReplyDeleteIt seriously makes me feel much better knowing I am not the only person who is struggling with the transition! Thanks Chanell :).
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