I feel like I am constantly in the midst of a whirlwind, being tossed to and fro while I attempt to grasp for the things that I love and find orientation. Last week was bad. Like really bad. Call it PMS if you'd like, because to be honest that probably had something to do with it. But I was done. Like done done. I had reached an ultimate low inside of myself and there didn't seem to be any life preserver in site as I attempted to doggy paddle against the oncoming waves.
Our kids have been perpetually sick with every illness under the sun since October. That alone is enough to drive someone bonkers! Of course Josh and I also pick up all of their diseases but nobody takes us to the doctor or offers a hot bath and extra sleep. Nope, when you are the parent you suck it up and get back to work :(.
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| Three sickies all cuddled up in bed watching Mickey Mouse cartoons :( |
Josh has had his mysterious stomach illness that has caused him to have to get a second colonoscopy a couple weeks ago. He will be fine for a while and then suddenly get ridiculously sick! It is so hard and frustrating to be spending so much money just to be told there are no answers. In the meantime, I have been picking up the slack while my wing-man attempts to recover. THAT has been hard. Now I am the Mother AND the Father.
Now let's talk about finances. We are bleeding money with all of Josh's medical bills! Every dime we attempt to save gets spent one way or another and each month when we recap on how we could have possibly done it better in hopes of saving for a bigger home or another business venture, we are totally stumped. So I started working extra shifts on the weekends to try and make up for all this. That has left me exhausted and frustrated. My body literally has nothing left to give and my heart is constantly aching to be a better Mother for my children. Austin has really been struggling with it all and that kills me. Now not only am I the Mother and Father, but also the main financial provider.
Then there's my Mom.... (oh Lord, do we have enough time?) She is constantly making me feel like a failure as a Mom for not staying at home with my kids. Since the day Austin was born she has made it her duty to let me know every step I take in the role of motherhood that she doesn't approve with my choice to help my husband out financially instead of going onto welfare and government assistance like she would have done. I call her and tell her all the wonderful things the kids and I have done, hoping for some kind of validation.... but it never comes. I've just had to accept this. But this past week was too much. I took the kids with me out to Logandale to try and "get away from it all" but instead I got a big slap in the face. On the first day we were there she decided to sit down with me and let me know all the ways I have screwed up my kids... namely Austin because it is no secret that he is her favorite. I sat for two hours listening to her tear me down to my lowest point until I couldn't take it any longer and I began to fight back. I dug back at her where I knew it hurt the most and soon we were both screaming our lungs out in front of my kids. Luckily Briana was there to take the kids into another room, but Austin was still listening to everything. I should have just left then but I stayed for the kids because I knew Austin would be so upset if he couldn't stay and play like I had promised. But it just wasn't the same for me the rest of that week. I was melancholy and almost suicidal. My kids played out in the desert and ran around with the dogs, completely oblivious to the pain I was feeling and for that I am grateful. At least that way I can justify going through all that pain. My depression escalated quickly until I was doubting my whole life, my choice in husband, my choice in career, my house, EVERYTHING! At that deep dark moment, there was nothing that could lighten my soul. Then, strangely, as soon as we drove away from that house and headed back to the safety of our home, I felt much better! I was able to see that my husband isn't a horrible monster and the life we have created together ISN'T a miserable failed attempt. My Mom has some serious issues and I was able to separate myself enough from her to see that.
Although I could finally see the light, I couldn't completely shake off the darkness. I was doing the best I could to hold on but there was one morning when I just couldn't keep it all in. I sat at the breakfast table watching my kids happily eat their scrambled eggs when I got a phone call. When I saw that it was Amy, our babysitter, I knew it couldn't be good. There was no reason for her to be calling that early on a morning when I was home with the kids. I hesitantly answered, and like ripping off a bandaid, she immediately told me she can't watch our kids anymore. She said she had too many kids to look after and had some moronic reason why our kids were the ones who had to go. I understood that running a daycare was detracting from her own family and tried really hard to keep that in mind while I bit my tongue and asked for just one more week so I could figure out a plan B. I hung up and cried. First my Mom quit, then Briana, and now Amy. Being a working Mom is hard enough without having to constantly be finding a babysitter! I had major meltdowns and anxiety all day long until Josh could get home so we could discuss options. We both felt that this was probably for the best because we were paying her so much money and maybe we could figure out a way to work around my work schedule so I could be home more and we would be paying less for childcare. After running numbers we came up with a pretty good plan! In march I will be working every weekend and one day a week when the kids go to Preschool. But starting in April I am going to cut down my hours and only work 1 day a week and every other Saturday! This has been a wonderful thought for my Mommy-brain, but my logical financial side has been stressing like crazy because this is less money I will be bringing to the table and we were already struggling. But it almost feels like God is telling me to stop worrying and to focus on what is important. My babies. Money isn't everything.
Well, even though we had a plan and my boss said she would try to work with it, I still had all this pent up anxiety that I just couldn't get rid of! I had a total meltdown this Saturday that had me screaming to heavy metal music and trying not to cry while I sat in a Walmart parking lot. I posted a picture of myself flipping off the world on Instagram and had some remarkable phone calls from the most unexpected places. Of course there was my best friend, Jura and other sweet ladies in the ward. But BOTH of my Sister's in Law, and my Beachbody coach? Those were shocking. Everyone was worried about me and my mental status. It was then that I realized how well I have been hiding it all this time. How maybe what has felt like doggy paddling has actually been a breaststroke? They were all so confused that someone so blissfully happy could be so upset. I immediately regretted letting the world in on my freak out because having the perfect life and family is something I am so proud of. Possibly the only thing I am proud of. But that Sunday I took myself to a Pure Barre class in the park down the street and it was in that moment as I was doing something for myself that I realized how much I needed that. For months I have been needing my cup to be filled but have been too scared to break the facade of perfection to let anybody in. I have just expected my husband to be enough, but men are idiots and are not capable of such a large feat. I have needed more. I thought my Mom was a safe place of refuge but I was wrong. My circle of people I trust has gotten incredibly small and I am always too scared of burdening them so I never ask for help.
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| Me and my babies.... Always trying to stay one step ahead of what life throws at us. |
Well, today I got up early and took care of myself. I exercised. I did yoga. I meditated for a really long time and worked on all my chakras. It was during that time when I was able to see how alone and unsafe I have felt lately. Like at any minute my whole life could fall apart and the fear that I wouldn't be enough to pick up the pieces for myself and everyone who depends on me has been more than I can bear. So I've pushed it all deep down and have tried to just keep swimming. But even the greatest swimmer can't swim forever.
Long story short, I have found the silver lining. I have found answers to keep my cup full. I'm sure this won't be the last freak out to ever happen but now I know that there are people out there who love me, even though we rarely talk otherwise. I am learning that it is extremely important to practice self care. Exercise is crucial, and yoga/meditation is key. Namaste.
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| My little yoga buddy :). |
