We all have them... those blogger friends we love to read about but have never actually met, and yet it feels like we have been friends forever. Mine is Jaqui Saldana from Babyboybakery. Yup, she's my blogger mommy idol! If you haven't heard about her, go ahead and check her out because she is great! Her parenting style is so identical to mine and I love all her ideas for toddler friendly fun in the kitchen! Sadly, most of her ideas are memories of a happier time before she lost her baby boy in a tragic accident. She had me in tears each time I read her grief stricken posts and yet had me in awe at how well she handled losing him, somehow turning his death into a positive reminder for every Mom to hold her babies a little closer, and not to sweat the small stuff. Because you never know when they might be taken from you. There have been so many times when I have wanted to scream at Austin for making a huge scene in public over nothing, or for coloring all over his body with pen, or even for not wanting to get out of the bath tub when I said bath time was over! But then I would remember Jaqui and how she spoke about being willing to give up anything in the world just to have her son back, even on his worst days, and each time it brings me back to the reality that this little boy is not guaranteed to be mine forever. Yes, I gave him life, and yes, I feed, bathe, and clothe him. But his existence in my life is a gift. One that I should not take for granted.
That's why I make a big deal about him cooking almost every meal with me in the kitchen. That's why we enjoy juicing and making green smoothies, but we also go out for donuts for breakfast and share a bowl of ice cream whenever we feel like it. That's also why I make a point to take him along with me around town as I run errands. No, it's not always pleasant. And no, I don't always keep my cool. But each day as we go about our mundane tasks and chores, we are making memories. And honestly, I think those would be the memories I would miss the most if he were ever taken from me. Not because they were expensive, flashy, or well thought out. But because there are special moments embedded in the monotony of life that can't be recreated. It's on our drives to the store when we get some quality talk time. I ask him about his day and we talk about the tractors as we pass, and the school bus as it takes all the little kids off to school. It is in the grocery store where I am able to teach him the beauty of good karma by buying him a little bag of fruit snacks if he acts good while Mommy shops. It's at the gas station where we get a soda and a sucker (when he was really little he was happy just to get his own straw to play with) and if he is lucky we go through the car wash! Or how about the fun moments of singing the alphabet song over, and over, and over again while I bathe him and give him a little lesson on germs.
And then there was today.... I was super busy doing all our laundry and he suddenly tells me he wants to go pee pee in the big potty! I wanted so badly to tell him, "You've got a diaper on kid, so use it!" But once again, I thought about Jaqui, and put down the dirty clothes to rush him off to the toilet. There we sat. Him on the Mickey potty seat, and me on the step stool. I was kinda annoyed, thinking about all the time I was wasting while sitting there staring at a half naked kid who obviously didn't really need to go. But then he started telling me about playing baseball, and how he wanted a baseball bat and mitt so he could play baseball with Mickey Mouse. It was at this moment when I realized that, again, I was taking my son for granted. What if he were taken from me tomorrow? Would I care that I got my laundry done, and that my house was sparkling clean? Or would I feel an insane amount of guilt for not being there for my son when he wanted to do something big, even though it was at the worst possible time?
It is so hard to be a Mom in today's world.... trust me, nobody knows this better than me! We have to look hot for our husbands, stay trendy for our friends, keep up with religion, constantly be there for our kids, make money to make all of this possible, and somehow still find time for ourselves and maybe get a couple hours of sleep? Okay, maybe no sleep. But the point is, IT IS SOOOOO HARD trying to juggle it all! However, being a Mom is also the greatest gift God could have ever granted me and I wouldn't take back even the worst week. My goal as a mother in this crazy world is to not just raise kids, but to raise them with a sure knowledge that their Mommy loves them. Every night as I tuck Austin into bed "like a burrito" as he calls it, I kiss his nose and tell him, "Mommy loves you." And every night he grabs my cheeks in both hands and responds, "I yuv you Mommy." That my friends, is the reward. That's the gold medal. That is what makes this insanely tough job all worth it.
