I am able to write out my feelings and the experience now because I feel like I am officially over it. Okay, I still tear up when I talk about it to certain people, but tearing up is much better than full out bawling.
It all started the day we came home from our trip to Utah. I noticed a little bit of blood tinged discharge and immediately felt the fear. I tried to tell myself everything is fine because it's barely visible and for some women that is normal. I was scheduled to have a little "sneak peak ultrasound" the next day so I figured that would give me answers and I shouldn't worry. That didn't stop me from worrying though. Josh gave me a priesthood blessing that night to help me sleep and to give me a little comfort. He promised that everything would be okay with our baby. Then 3 am rolled around. I got up to use the restroom and my fears were confirmed
Blood. Dark. Red. Blood.
I was a mess. I went back to bed bawling. I woke Josh up and told him what was going on, and although he tried his best to comfort me and tell me everything was going to be okay, I knew it wasn't. I knew I was losing this baby. Neither of us slept much that night. Me, because I couldn't stop crying. Josh, because he was trying so hard to hold and comfort me.
The next day I took Austin with me to the doctor's office for the ultrasound. I told the Nurse Practitioner about the bleeding and she agreed that it wasn't a good sign. We still tried to hope for the best though. Then, as she performed the ultrasound, she told me the baby was measuring two weeks smaller than it should be. I asked her what that meant and she said, "Well, either we got your due date wrong, or the baby died two weeks ago...." (I was ten weeks along, but the baby only measured 8 weeks).
Talk about a hit in the gut! I knew the due date wasn't wrong because I knew the exact day of conception. Could it be possible that I had been carrying around a dead baby for the past few weeks?! The idea made me sick. Was it possible that all of our hopes and dreams for this child had been dead long before we even knew what was going on? The NP wanted to schedule an official ultrasound with an actual ultrasound technician to find out exactly what was going on and she said she wanted me to have it the next day. However, when I tried scheduling it, they told me they didn't have an opening until Thursday! This was a Monday.... I went home freaking out that I had to wait three more days until I could get answers. I stressed and cried all day until I finally decided that was a bunch of bull sh** and there was no way I was going to wait that long to find out if my baby was dead or alive. So I called up the doctor's office and caused a huge stink until I got my way.
Grandma Helm came by the next day to babysit Austin and Sadie also came over to be a support for me and to go with me to the ultrasound appointment. Josh wanted to stay home from work but he had used all of his vacation time in Utah so he couldn't. I felt so grateful that we live close enough to my family to have the help and support I needed to get through this day while my husband was stuck at work. I became extremely annoyed at the appointment when the ultrasound technician was super happy and chipper, asking how we were doing and what we were looking for today. I think she caught on to my annoyance when I answered with, "We are trying to find out if my baby died two weeks ago." Did she even read my chart before she asked me to come back with her??!! Stupid woman. I hate Nevada healthcare.
Anyway, my fears were officially confirmed as she first did an abdominal ultrasound and then a vaginal ultrasound just to make sure. I felt a piece of my heart die when she pronounced the words, "There is no heartbeat." At that moment I felt my sister grab my hand. The whole experience was so surreal that I don't remember much after that. I was numb. Mentally numb, physically numb, and emotionally numb. I was so grateful Sadie was there because she asked a lot of the questions I normally would have thought to ask if I hadn't had a total mind-block going on. The stupid Nurse Practitioner didn't have the greatest answers for the questions we asked and I felt myself searing inside at her ignorance and thoughtlessness. Instead of kindly telling me she didn't know the answers to those questions, she got really defensive and became extremely rude. Again, I hate Nevada healthcare.
The ride home was quiet. Neither of us knew what to say. We decided we should pick up some dinner for everyone to help lighten the mood. Then the rain came. Rain in the desert is a very rare thing and it felt to me like it was Gods way of letting me know the heavens were crying with me. It was strangely comforting. We decided on Cafe Rio for dinner and another little miracle happened! The rain crashed the restaurant computer server and we got all of our food for free! Okay, now I KNEW God was trying to comfort me.
We came home to Austin and Grandma, and about an hour later Josh came home from work. It was nice to have people to come home to so I could keep busy and not think too much. I wish I could say that for the night. I started sobbing the minute my head hit the pillow. I felt the numbness subsiding as the tears started flowing and all of the pain really hit. I felt Josh's arms wrap around me and I will never forget the sweetest words. "Just cry Baby. I will hold you all night." I'm sure to everyone else that sounds really stupid and probably cheesy. But to me, at that moment, it was exactly what I needed. At that moment I didn't need to be brave. Someone was telling me it's okay to cry. His arms felt so warm and so strong. I will never forget that night.
The next few weeks have been a blur. I have had to go in for blood tests every week to monitor my HCG level which tells you when the miscarriage is officially over. The weeks have been painful physically and emotionally. I had one extremely painful day when the pain was so bad, I had to call up my mom crying and beg her to come take care of Austin. It felt like I was in labor. I felt every contraction, noticed the loss of amniotic fluid, and finally, I passed what I assume was the baby. My mom slept over that night and I was extremely grateful. I needed her. I needed the safety that comes from having your Mom around when you are scared and in pain.
Despite the sadness of the situation, I found it to be a wonderful bonding experience for Josh and I. I learned things about my husband that I had never before seen. I saw him in a new light. He went from being my best friend and my equal, to my lifeline and my protector. I clung to him at night for comfort and I longed for him during the day while he was at work. When he was around I felt safe. I felt the depression disappear.
He was so sweet to me. For every complaint I had, he had a solution. When I complained about needing some time for myself to relax and recuperate, he told me to go to the nail salon and get a manicure/pedicure. When I complained about how depressing it is that I gained some baby weight and now I don't even have a baby to show for it, he bought me a treadmill. Josh wasn't the only one watching out for me. The Relief Society showed their love by bringing over meals, sending constant texts to make sure I was okay, and sharing their own experiences to help me cope with the pain. We have a wonderful ward. I love my visiting teachers so much and our Relief Society Presidency is outstanding! I have never felt so loved by a ward family in my life. I have also experienced the love of all my friends and family through constant phone calls, texts, and lots of hugs.
At first I was worried about how busy we were going to be this month and how the miscarriage was going to affect everything. But then I realized that being busy was just what I needed! I had Austin's first birthday to plan and prepare for, Josh's brother and his family were coming to stay with us, and my Aunt Gena came to town which meant there would be a lot of family get-togethers to attend. I tried hard not to let the physical/emotional pain and the ridiculous amount of bleeding stop me from giving my son the best first birthday he deserves and to keep me and my family from socializing with those we love.
This is now the fourth week since the bleeding began and I have finally gotten the phone call from the OBGYN office telling me my labs showed I am officially done with the miscarriage. It has been so frustrating going in every week for blood draws and finding out my HCG is going down slowly...... very slowly. I had no idea it could take so long! In the movies it all happens so fast. The girl wakes up bleeding one night and the next day she announces she miscarried and that's that. There isn't a movie that shows how painful it actually is to deliver the unborn child, or how long and heavy you bleed for, or how exhausted and anemic you feel. Or how about those hormones that are now drastically changing?! Where in the movies do you ever see those freak out/fall apart moments?! I wish we as women talked more about these personal experiences because it would have made it a lot easier for me if I had known what to expect.
The Relief Society President has been so sweet to me, dropping by with food and texting me often to check in on me and see how I am doing. She came over last night and we had a great talk. I have never had a leader in the church who I could connect with so well and who was willing to come sit on my couch, kick her feet up, and just talk! There was no pressure to talk religion, or to come up with the awkward small talk so the conversation doesn't get too deep. We both shared. We both cried. And again, I felt God's love.
I don't know when we will decide to have another child. I still feel so confused why we could easily feel that little baby's spirit so strongly, and then just as easily feel it slip away. Neither of us feel baby hungry in the least. The Nurse Practitioner kept stressing to me that I should NOT get pregnant for at least three months to give my body a chance to recover. She had no idea that having another baby is the last thing on my mind. At this moment in time, I just want to feel normal for a while. I just want to feel like me. Not the pregnant me. Just me.
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| This little boy has been my saving grace during all of this pain. He seemed to know I was hurting and showered me with hugs and kisses. I am so grateful I have him to focus on and love. I would be a major mess if I didn't. |
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| Taking a little walk with my Momma when she slept over. We decided to get out of the house and let the sun shower us with its healing warmth and love. I felt like I could actually smile with her around. I don't know what I would do without her! |
