She was a 21 year old girl who was born with Sickle Cell Anemia and due to a really poor decision on an ER doctors part one night, she is now also in End Stage Renal Failure. I instantly connected with this patient as I was performing her dialysis treatment and we found ourselves talking throughout the entire 4 hours I was there. It started out with small talk and then she asked me something so simple, and yet so humbling to me that I had to literally take a second to stop and think about my answer.
She asked me, "What's it like to be married?" At first I was going to ramble off the usual, "It's great!" and move on. But then I started realizing that this poor girl who has spent her entire life in a hospital bed is asking me sincerely, what is marriage like? I couldn't find the words, and a part of me wanted to cry for her. I wanted to cry because she will probably never get to experience the wonderful blessing of marriage that I have been given. I wanted to cry because she told me earlier that the best moment of her entire life was graduating from high school. I wanted to cry because every day she looks forward to her mom bringing her a hot dog from 7-11 as if it was the greatest moment of her day... and sadly, it probably is. So how do I explain to someone who has never experienced anything but IV's, medications, and the four walls of a hospital room how amazing it is to be bound to the man you love for all eternity and to be carrying his child?
I decided the best thing to do was to be honest. I told her about our marriage from the beginning. I included the ups/the downs and the funny little details in between. She laughed and told me how lucky I am to have such an amazing life and that she herself had never even had a boyfriend.... Ugh, gut wrencher right there.
Then she asked me, "What is it like to be pregnant?" Again, I could feel the tears coming. My first instinct was to laugh it off and tell her she isn't missing much between the morning sickness, acne, and what seems like constant uncomfortableness. But then I thought again about how this girls poor body will never be capable of bearing children, and how her only experience of it would be through what I tell her. So of course I had to be honest and give a few ugly details, but I also had to somehow put into words how amazing it is to know that God has chosen me to give a body to one of his babies, and has blessed me with the ability to experience the miracle of feeling our little boy's tiny movements, and sweet presence that is constantly with me everywhere I go.
I spent the rest of the night pondering what I had learned from this experience and felt so humbled and disgusted at myself for how easily I become ungrateful for the many blessings that are constantly showered down upon me. Josh and I went on a date to a Mexican restaurant that night after work and I cried while I told him the whole story. I wanted him to somehow know how grateful I am for my life and that he is the main character in it, as well as how grateful I am that he has made me a Mother and has given me the opportunity to experience these sweet, once in a lifetime moments that sadly not everyone can have. I so easily become distracted with the complications and stresses of life, that I forget about what matters and how blessed I am. So, to try and make sure that doesn't happen again, I've made a list of things I have to be grateful to my Father in Heaven for and I plan on looking at it daily to remind myself that no matter how hard life gets, somebody out there always has it worse.
My Gratuity List:
1) I am grateful that I Married Josh. That statement bears a lot of meaning in my head because those who were close to us at the time know that there was a short time during our dating life that we broke up and didn't plan on ever seeing each other again. I look back on that and think, "Oh my gosh, I almost missed out on being married to the most amazing man in the world! WHAT WAS I THINKING??!!" Josh is my world. He is my life and I seriously feel like Romeo and Juliet when I think about anything ever happening to him. I have never known a more selfless man. He allows me to be who I am (the control- freak perfectionist) and very rarely gets mad or annoyed at me. I, however, am not so unconditionally loving sometimes and I feel terrible about it whenever I stop and remember how good he treats me.
2) I am grateful to be pregnant. Yes, I complain A LOT, and for good reason (I feel)! But I need to remember that there are some out there who cannot bear children, and who are constantly struggling with that pain. When I think about it that way, I once again feel terrible about my selfishness and try to refocus myself on how in love I already am with this baby and how excited I am to meet him in a few short months!
3) I am grateful to have an amazing family (In-laws included!!). They are and have always been my rock. Whenever I was struggling in life, I ran to my Mom. Whenever I couldn't go to my Mom, I ran to my sisters. How lucky am I?! Yes, they drive my crazy about 50% of the time and there are moments when I joke with Josh about checking them all into a nut-house but I love them dearly and can't imagine my life without a single one of them.
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| Just take a look at them! How could you not love these people?! |
4) I am grateful for my membership in the LDS church. I proudly tell people I am "a Mormon" when they ask me at work and hope that by my example the negative stigmas that are always given to my fellow church members will be changed. I have never known a more humble, loving, compassionate, service oriented people and I am so grateful to be a part of everything they stand for and believe in. The church has been the backbone in my life, and without it, I know I wouldn't be who I am today. Life is too tough to go through it without God by your side.
5) I am grateful that I chose to be a Nurse. Yes, there are days when I want to shoot myself and I go to sleep hearing the ringing of call lights in my ears and the stress of knowing there are so many people who need my love and compassion but I just can't give it anymore because I literally feel like I have nothing left to give. That sounds terrible, but my fellow nurses out there know what I am talking about! However, my job brings me such joy and happiness knowing that everyday I am serving, saving lives, and hopefully making somebody else's day better. That's the goal anyways.
I could go on and on with this but I will stop and focus on these 5 for now. I hope that in some way I have made your day a little better and by sharing the story of my patient, have given someone else out there a reason to be grateful for their lives as well.
